Indie and Sawyer's Lockdown Blues

Day 20

I wake up in a flood of tears and I sit up against the headboard of his bed as I wipe my face.

I glance briefly at Sawyer who looks so peaceful.

I should be grateful that I even have a mother.

I wipe my tears as I get up and go to the bathroom and wash my face and dry it off. 

I go to his room and get my stuff and put it in my room and go back to his bed and lie down on it.

I wanted nothing more than time go into my room and lock myself in but I was hurting Sawyer each time I did that but I knew he wa hurting me also.

It was like he couldn't make his mind up about me.

I know my siblings influenced him a lot and that he only was so easily influenced because we were all there for him when he lost his mom and we were like his second family. He loved my family more than I do.

I only knew this because Francis explained it to me.

I guess I understood.

I also knew from my own brain that he was trying to make amends and that it was difficult for him as much as it was for me but the only thing I didn't understand was why.

Why was it that he wanted to make amends to what was so badly broken?

I sit against the headboard as I stare at his room, so full of life and memories. Almost happy. My room was so banal and devoid of personality.

Maybe he was confused.

I go into my phone and go on to Amazon and order a keyboard. Now we were locked down again, I couldn't go to the music department whenever I liked. It would be here later.

I go onto the app store and search up Instagram and my finger hovers over the install button but Sawyer grabs my phone and stops me.

"Don't do it. You'll be trapped and it's not worth it. You're the smartest person I know and this won't ruin you but it can change you." He says.

"Okay." That was unsual.

"Why are you sitting here and not lying down? It's 4am." I remember why I even woke up in the first place.

"I just couldn't sleep well, that's all." I say but he sits up next to me.

"You know you look sad." He says.

"I've heard that a lot." I retort.

"Yes but when you're really upset you have this little extra frown line. Right here." He says as he places his finger where there is indeed an extra frown line that I hadn't even noticed.

"Any particular reason you're upset or?" He is nosey.

"I'm not even upset." I say as I try to smile to convince him, he is not convinced.

"If you say so." He says as he lies back down and I can feel him staring at me.

I go on my phone and do some flashcards and it's so boring but I'm so upset.

I get distracted for a moment and Sawyer quickly takes my phone and goes to my call history.

"Sawyer, give me my phone back!" I say as I try to grab it but he moves so that I can't get to it.

He plays the voicemail and it plays out loud and I watch how horrified he looks.

"I'm so sorry." He says as he hands me back my phone.

"I'm not upset. You don't need to worry but I just wished you'd have asked me." I say.

"You'd have lied to me no doubt." He says as he touches my hand.

I flinch for a second but he holds it in a really comforting way and I find myself holding it back.

"I guess I should tell you then. You have to know how sorry I am for all the things I did. It was your mom who influenced me, initially, she said she'd pay me money to make sure that you never got to be happy and I'm sorry but my dad and brothers were going to lose our home because they couldn't afford the payment so I had to take it and she said if I told you she'd make sure my dad was penniless and we'd lose our home and the habit just stuck. Basically I'm scared of your mother. I still continued even after dad established himself and I didn't even know why." I'm so shocked at what he's just told me.

"My siblings. You feel validated by the way they reward you for doing whatever you did." I say.

"I guess that makes sense." He says.

"I guess so." I reply as I try let go of his hand but he keeps on holding mine so I hold it back.

His phone pings and he let's out an exclamation of whatever emotion he's feeling.

"For fucks sake, the Faraad Convention is coming. I literally hate that." He says and I clam up

"You don't like the Faraad Convention?" I ask.

"No. It's just a bunch of people who don't even have that hard of a life complaining about stuff." He says. I let go of his hand and pretend to yawn.

"Yeah okay." I say as he gets another email, no doubt on the guest speakers. "Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut from now on."

"Yeah maybe." I say as I fully turn around.

I was one of the guest presenters, speaking on the effects of having autistic siblings. Perhaps, I could've spoken about having autism myself but I still knew I wasn't ready.

"The effects of having autistic siblings? Since when did you ever want to discuss that?" He asks.

"Since it helps me get a grade." I say. It's not true. This would do nothing to help me get a grade, it was just me trying to get stuff off my chest. When you had no one to talk to, you'd have to find some unusual and unconventional ways of releasing the sadness you felt.

"Are you sure? You can get angry just thinking about your siblings." He says. I agree.

"Well yeah but I don't have... yeah I know but this is a professional setting." I say and he looks at me.

"You don't have what?" He asks.

"Don't worry." I say.

"You surely are missing something. I know you Ana. You like to cover things up so people can't see in. Tell me." He pleads.

"No. We're not friends." I say as I get up and get my stuff and go to my room, bringing his clothes back to his room. I didn't want them anymore.

He's standing up now, waiting for my arrival back to his room.

He stops me before I can do anything by taking the clothes from me and puts the clothes back in my room.

"They're yours to keep. Come on." He hands me a hoodie and a coat of his and my shoes. He gets a coat and hoodie himself and gets our phones.

We go to the door and he hands me a hat, scarf, gloves and helps me put them on..

I look at the camera on the ceiling and pull a face. I didn't want to do this.

He pushes me out the door and locks it behind him before he grabs my hand and takes me to the fountain where he throws a coin and wishes for something. He hands me a coin but I refuse it.

I didn't make wishes as I often played too much into them, becoming obsessed with them being true.

All of a sudden, I remember that he's literally got a broken leg and he's taking me somewhere when he could be in pain.

"We need to go home. You've got a bad leg." I say but he refuses.

"I'd be more at ease knowing that you were okay." He says.

I'm not okay. He'd become far too selfless. He was being someone that I needed, a friend and that was scary but also the most emotional relief I'd had in a long time.