Indie and Sawyer's Lockdown Blues

Day 18

I wake halfway off the bed.

I guess the bed was comfortable but also not the mid of bed I'm used to.

Sawyer had managed to calm me down yesterday but I didn't want to thank him for something he didn't know was a problem so I didn't.

I get off the bed and take my stuff and go
to my room as I sit at my desk and stare at the wall.

Staring at the wall was an easy pass time that didn't require much effort but it often left me alone with my thoughts.

Today my thoughts were entirely the same.

I wanted to jump off a bridge as always.

This was nothing to do with him.

I close all my blinds and lock all my doors as I go into my bed and lie down.

There's nothing I can do but rest.

I turn around as I lie down face down and try not to cry or get angry or scream.

I couldn't let my emotions get the better of me.

I wrap myself in my duvet and blanket as I think happy thoughts.

I think of when Francis adopted me.

I think of when me and my siblings got along.

I think of when me and Sawyer were together.

I think about Turbo.

I realise that all of those things have sad endings.

I get my phone and scroll aimlessly.

It's just back and forth on my home screen because I don't have social media.

Turbo had nearly convinced me but then he you know, died, so I stayed away from it.

Sometimes I felt like I only had friends because I lived with them.

People always generally tended to stay away from me because I was full of fury since I was a child but I was better at controlling my anger now but now I just found it difficult to make friends.

The only friends I had was Sawyer and his siblings and then Turbo. My siblings didn't really count as friends in the end.

My roommates didn't even speak to me till 6 weeks in because they thought badly of me because of all the fights Sawyer and I had.

I'd never shout but they could tell that I really hated him. We'd do stupid things all the time like add salt to one another's food but he was always burned in the end because I was always one step ahead of him.

I missed Turbo.

He died of a failed liver transplant from having Hepatitis B. His parents never let him get a vaccine and it was too late when they realised he had it.

I lost a friend to something completely preventable and I was pissed.

His parents knew they were to blame and it wasn't because I said anything, they were still grieving so I kept my mouth shout but they were flamed publicly in the media for letting their child die.

They did let him die.

It was so unjust.

I didn't even visit when I was home.

What had I done?

I needed to go back.

I get my stuff and pack it. My suitcase was still packed and I just stuffed my phone and it's charger into the laptop case with the rest of my stuff.