Indie and Sawyer's Lockdown Blues

Day 19

I hear Sawyer's door shut and I see that it's 1am and he has just gotten back.

I just sleep again when my phone starts ringing but I ignore it.

It's not Sawyer, he doesn't have my number or anything like that.

I check and it Sawyer.

I underestimated him.

"Hello?" I say. I'm so tired.

"Where are you? I need you to help me get into bed." He says.

"Sure." He didn't need my help his bed was so low off the ground.

I get out of the closet and help him into bed and he seems so warm and content and happy.

He's got this little smile on his face.

"Hey Sawyer, I'm gonna go back to the dorm and I'm gonna stay there." I say even though he can't hear me properly. He still just mumbles something and I pack my stuff.

I get it all into the car and start it when Sawyer makes his way out of the house.

"How am I meant to get home?" He says through the window which I had now opened.

"I don't know but you're going to have to manage unless you'd like to come with me." I offer and he shakes his head. "Then I will see you later."

I don't even wait for him to say anything before I drive off and make it back to the dorm early.

I clean up when I get back and then go to my room and just start de-cluttering everything.

I get rid of most of my stuff.

I don't want it anymore.

I don't need to hold on to a family that no longer needs me.

Even so, I still find myself crying as I put every item in the bin.

This life was so draining and made me so sad.

As much as I didn't want to go on, I had to because I wanted to be Dr. Indiana Shuto one day and I could get there if I braved it but it was so hard.

I get up and go to Sawyer's room and I sit on his bed.

I look at his room, it's so full of personality and I feel so sad that this couldn't be my life and then I remember that he doesn't have a mom. I do. I was selfish for even thinking that.

I look at his desk and see the card that I left for him.

I let out a cry again as I go back to my room and down to the mail for the apartment.

I open it up and there's loads of package and cards here.

I put them into a bag and take them back, allowing myself to ge excited for a moment.

I dump it all out on the island.

I sort out them into piles.

Sawyer, John, Ray, Tara, Hallë and me.

I sort them out and at the end of it there's nothing there for me.

That's the problem with getting excited, you always end up being disappointed.

I feel my lip tremble but I stop myself and go to my room and lie down in my bed.

I lied. I would have loved the Christmas dinner and the cards and presents, I've been wanting a present for a while now.

I just wanted to feel happy even for just a moment and I tried, so very hard.

I tried to be friendly, keep in touch, love unconditionally and without thinking, I went to a many events as possible and nothing worked. I tried being the best sister and the best friend but nothing worked.

Turbo was the only best friend I ever really had and how I wish he could still be here.

I sob into my pillow as I realise he's never coming back.

I clasp my hands together. "God, I know you just already hate me for making me the way I am. Anger issues, autism, the whole jazz. Please for once I'm putting my faith in you to help me because clearly I can't help myself. Please." I say as I fall asleep.

***

I'm shaken awake by someone and it's Sawyer.

"You left the door unlocked, be caref- hold on. Ana you're super warm. You have a fever. Do you have COVID?" He says and I shake my head.

"I do rapids every morning, wear my mask everywhere apart from the apartment and your house and I wasn't around long enough to catch anything either way." I say as I lie back down, exhausted.

"We're still gonna get tested." He says as he helps me up an puts my coat on and a mask for me.

He helps me put on some shoes and then I get my phone and he helps me go.

In the car I register everything and am glad there's a slot available in 5 minutes an it's on campus as well.

We get there and test and then go back to the dorm room where helps me onto his bed and I get under the duvet because I'm so tired.

"You've still got my clothes on from yesterday. You should change." He says as he hands me some more clothes of his and I weakly stand up and start to get changed and he quickly turns around.

"What should I do with your other clothes?" I ask as I start folding them.

"You can have then. You looked comfortable in them." He says and I feel weird before I just nod and put the folded close on the bedside table and put all my stuff that was in my pockets on top of it.

I get back into bed and nearly fall asleep when I get a call.

It's my morher. I ignore it.

She leaves a voicemail and I get up to listen to it.

"Indiana, I fucking hate you and I just want you to kick some rocks and get out of my life. You better stop ruining things for me any longer. Die you fucking scum because nobody wants you around anymore. You are a disgrace of a daughter and I do not want you to plague the Shuto name any longer. Make it a priority to make sure you never, ever take another bre... What?- I don't care!" I turn off my phone and take a few deep breaths.

I go to the bed and sleep it off.