Indie and Sawyer's Lockdown Blues

Day 17

I slept for the whole day.

I get up and shower, I still had dried tears on my face.

I sat down on my floor and stare at my hands.

I pull up my sleeves and look at the reminders of what makes me myself.

My tattoos cover my arms. I look at everyone of them. Some of them have meanings, some of them don't but all of them hold a place in my heart.

I pull it down as I sit down at my desk and do some work, it feels like only a little bit but I do so much work that I'm so far ahead at this point that I don't even we've covered this yet.

I work out for a bit before going over my keywords and then lie down on the sofa where I watch TV.

I hear the door start to unlock and I go back into my room.

I close the door and get into my bed.

It's Sawyer because I can hear him go into his room.

He knocks on the door and I ignore him and pretend to be asleep but he comes in anyways.

"I know you're awake. When you're asleep you sleep with your arms spread into a star position." Shit, he's right. I get up and look at him.

"What do you want?" I say. I know I shouldn't be so angry with him but I can't help it.

"What you did was really irresponsible. You know better than to drive angry." He says and I know he's trying to be kind but my brain refuses to believe it. I just stare at him blankly, pretending I don't understand. "You really worried me back there."

"I don't see why you'd be worried about me when I'm not your concern. We're not friends, we're not family. I'm nothing to you and that's how it's been for a while so let it remain that way, okay? I don't need you caring for me because we tried that once before didn't we and you threw it away, didn't you? The worst part is what you threw it away for. For what? For some friends that absolutely fucking suck." I could've left it at shorter words but no. I got angry. I turn away from him.

I wait for him to leave but he doesn't.

"Not to be annoying but I still have a broken leg and I need helping getting into the bed." I remember that and how his bulky cast would rub against me when we slept next to one another.

I get up and he goes to his room.

I help him up onto the bed.

It's annoying that his bed was on a platform but I can't even begin to imagine how annoying it was for him.

I can see how he'd get off but I knew getting on was annoying.

I turn off his light and leave but he calls for me before I do.

"Ana."
"Ana."
"Ana."

"What?" He's annoying me.

"Stay with me?" I nearly laugh.

"Não de todo." I say.

"Why? Oh." He says and he turns on his bedside lamp. "You heard that. Is that why your were upset with me?"

"You think so?" I say as I turn to leave again.

"Please, can you forget that for tonight? I really need someone to be next to me tonight." He says and I look at him funny.

Why would he need someone next to him tonight?

I guess it was all the hookups.

"Fine. Let me just grab my stuff." I say and I get back to my room.

I grab my blanket and my phone and go back to his room.

I get in and put the blanket over me.

I turn over to my right side to find that Sawyer is on his left.

We never sleep like this usually.

We're always facing different ways so this was weird.

I turn around again but Sawyer starts to speak.

"Turn around again." He says and I do.

I'm confused.

"What?" I say but he hugs me in a tight hug and I can barely breathe by the end of it. "What the actual fuck was that for Sawyer?"

"I'm sorry. I can't do it. I can't do it." He's got tears running down his face.

"You can't do what?" I say, quieter.

"I miss my mom. I miss her. I want her to come home. I want to hug her. I want to taste her awful food again. I want to eat her amazing baking. Her food may have been fucking terrible but she made it with love. So much love." He says and I help him sit up and then lie down back myself. He would hurt more if he cried while lying down.

"I remember her tacos. They were muy malo. She tried her absolute best though." I say and I almost smile.

He looks down at me.

"You nearly smiled there." He says and I just look away.

My phone starts ringing and I pick it up.

"Hello? Indiana? It's Meadow. It's regarding Sofia. She won't stop screaming for her mom and she's about to set off Carson." I hate Meadow.

"Well then call their mother. I'm not a parent, I'm not sure what to do. I'm 19 for God's sake." I'm annoyed.

"Your mother is not picking up." She says.

"I don't care. You know better than to contact me. Contact Tyler. Contact Danny. Contact Anthony. Contact Georgia or even contact Kameron for all I fucking care but don't you dare call me." She does this every time.

"You're their sister." She tries to make me feel guilty.

"Exactly. Sisters aren't parents. Especially sisters who aren't a fucking part of the family anymore. Leave me alone Meadow. Please." I say as I cut the phone.

She's been calling me to torment me the minute my siblings went to hers part time.

She would look after Fallon, Carson and Sofia when my parents aren't home.

Tyler is 23, Danny, 21, Anthony, Kameron, Georgia and I are 19, Selina is 16, Noah is 16, Joshua 15, Mika 13, Fallon 10, Carson 8, roberto 6 and Sofia 2.

Sofia without a doubt was my mothers last child, she was a geriatric pregnancy, her only and apparently the most painful. I wasn't around to see it but I can tell from the way that my siblings were even meaner than usually that it definitely was. How that insane woman was allowed to have 14 children let alone give birth them was insane.

"Meadow? Isn't that their babysitter. Did you really have to be so rude?" He asks and I turn away from him again as hot tears roll down my face.

He wouldn't understand, Meadow called me because she had a vendetta against me.

She's hated me since a child and that was okay but she was annoying and made me angry.

I blocked the number for the umpteenth time.

I can't stop getting all riled up and have to get up and I sit on the edge of the bed.

I hold my face in my hands as I mutter to myself about this whole thing.

I didn't want to have a meltdown and I didn't want to get angry.

While I did have my moments I hadn't had a full on meltdown in a while.

I rub my face a couple of times but can't calm down.

"Come on Indie." I repeat it under my breath again and again.

I pull at my hair as I grip at it.

"Don't get angry." I whisper like a mantra.

"What are you doing. You're gonna pull your hair out Indie, stop." Sawyer pulls my hand off mine gently and I stop pulling so hard.

Eventually I relax.

I get back into the bed and fall asleep.