One day, she'll be okay

caught

As I sit on the cold shower floor, crying, coming down from the self harming high, I hear a knock at the bathroom door. I don't react. Another, louder knock interrupts my thoughts. I decided not to move. As I lean my head on the wall with tears streaming down my face, I slowly close my eyes hoping that my mom would leave the bathroom door. I was left silent for a while until I suddenly heard a loud thud. It confused me, I froze and couldn't move. That's when I hear my name being called. "Dana! Daan are you okay?''

Before I could even process what was happening mom burst into the bathroom. "oh my god dana no what are you doing?" my mom said with worry in her voice. ''I-'' I didn't know what to say. There was no getting out of this one. I sat there with dripping blood down my arms and blades next to me. Nobody had ever seen me like this, god my mom is never going to see me the same again.

My mom ran over and put the blades away. She got some tissues and wrapped them around my wounds. She then carefully grabbed my arms and draped them over her neck so she could get me up from the floor. I didn't want to move but I felt weak, incapable of resisting her actions. That the thing about self harming. In the moment it feels so great, a high I could never explain and a slither of happiness. But after that, it's the complete opposite. I feel ashamed and useless and even more depressed.

I wasn't sure what was happening. The next thing I knew mom had sat me on the bathroom counter and was cleaning my arm. No other words had been spoken. I felt embarrassed but safe. I sat there and I just watched her. The way she would close her eyes briefly and shake her head to stop herself from crying. I hate that this was my fault.

Soon she had me finished and had bandaged my arms and thighs up. She looked down at me and I immediately looked down with tears streaming down my face. She reached her hands up and gently wiped the tears away. "Come on'' my mom said softly, breaking the long silence.

Mom helped me of the counter and led me in to our bedroom and sat me on the bed whilst she looked through my go bag for a set of clean clothes. "Here, get changed. I'll go and grab something to drink'' mom said with a smile whilst passing me some sweatpants and a hoodie and then proceeding to leave the room. ''Thank you'' I whispered. I wasn't sure if she heard.

She probably went to JJ her room or Derek or even Hotch's room. To be honest I did not even care anymore I am just so tired and I get into bed. Still after tonight I hear the thoughts getting louder. I can't, she just put on the bandages. Maybe one more time then. No. yes. No. yes. My head cant seem to make a choice. Before I know it, I am out of bed and in the bathroom. I look around for my blade, she had taken it away.

It was completely rational but still I wanted my blade so badly. I went out the bathroom to look for my book. I still had one blade hidden in the hardcover of the book. Once again I sat down on the bathroom floor. I undid my bandages and run the blade down my wrist real quick before someone could get in the room. Only I could not stop. Once more. Is all I can think of and then I snap out of it and I clean up the mess I made. I redo the bandages and go back to bed.

A/N- i have a thing for orange juices and any other fruit juice, i dont know hy tho.