One day, she'll be okay

at home

My mom tries to wake me up but I don't want to, ''I'll stay here until the next case'' I mumble. Derek picks me up bridal style and says, ''Not a chance kid, you are coming with us.'' My mom thanks him for putting me in the car. I can overhear Rossi telling my mom that if she or I ever needed to talk that he would always be there. My mom thanks him and gets in the car. Then I hear the second door closing. Wait the second door? It is just the two of us so who is there?

JJ sat in the car and looked at emily and said, ''how do y'all feel about dinner? ill cook!'' Emily said quietly thank you while she was starting the car.

When we pull up to our apartment JJ grabs all the bags and my mom picks me up to go inside. Mom lays me on my bed and I grab my blanket and I fall asleep.

Emily pov

''it is really nice of you to stay and help me out'' I say as I put away the bags. ''You know I love you both and I see Dana like my own. I am here for you guys. I am going to do some grocery shopping since you have nothing at home'' JJ replied. ''thanks JJ, it means a lot''

I lock eyes with her before she leaves through the front door. Her beautiful ocean blue eyes. Would she feel the same?

I let JJ out and she gives me a small kiss on my check as she says bye. I could feel my cheeks burning up and turning a slight color red. JJ smiled and then walked off. I can't, right? Everything with Dana is already difficult enough. If you add dating to the mix, I am not so sure how that would end.

i make my way to the couch and start reading in my book and then i hear footsteps. I was expecting to see Dana walking down those stairs but she did not come downstairs. maybe she was getting a glass of water but just to be sure I went upstairs to check on her.

Dana pov

I wake up and I immediatly stand up and start pacing around as I could feel my heart rate speeding up. ''I- I can't- I can't do this'' I could barely get my words out as I start hyperventilating. Mom stood in the doorway and she heard you saying this to yourself. She reaches out to hug me but I back away from her.

She looks hurt. She helped me deal with panic attacks before but this time I just wanted to be alone. ''Please leave'' I said sternly. ''Dana?''

''Get out!'' I raised my shaky voice and turned my back to her hoping she would get the hint. Instead I felt her arms wrap around me from behind. I tried to push her off but she held on tight. God she is so freakishly strong. I couldn't fight anymore and fell into her arms. She lowered us both to the ground without releasing her grip and helped me control my breathing.

''Deep breaths okay, like this'' she started breathing in and out slowly. She knew I found it easier to match my breathing to someone else's. In. out. In. out.

''you are okay and safe, I am right here, nothing bad is going to happen I promise.'' She reassured me whilst rubbing my arm. After ten minutes or so my breathing had slowed down. I wasn't fully out of the panic attack yet so neither of us moved.

Once I calmed down I looked at my mom and I say ''Thank you'' and she replies with ''anytime.'' The front door opens and me and my mom walk downstairs to see JJ with two huge grocery bags. Mom helps JJ with putting the groceries away and I just put some music on. Just a chill playlist, nothing special.

Just pretend that you are okay, i need to cut. i need to cut.

JJ looks at me while I am sitting on the couch. She hugs me and asks, ''are you okay?''
''Yeah I just had a panic attack. It will be fine tho'' I reply. she looks at me in the eye with her hands on both sides of my face and says ''you are so strong.''
I let a tear fall down. She pulls me in for another hug. Mom joins the hug. ''you know i love you right?''

Why do I feel like this. I still have the urge. I need to cut. i need to cut the thoughts away.

Then JJ pulled away from the hug and she said ''Okay lets get this cookin started.'' We ate dinner, I just ate a few bites because I am still not eating but i can't be suspicious about it. I grabbed my plate and put it in the sink.

''Sweets I love you both, but I have to go. I'll come back in the morning to pick you guys up.'' JJ said after cleaning the dishes. She gives me a kiss on my forehead and mom walks her out. JJ gives her a kiss on the cheek and says goodbye. The door is closed.

My mom walks back to the kitchen, I notice that she is blushing. ''I knew it!'' I say while I am making my way to the kitchen. She blushes even more ''what are you talking about?'' she says defensively.

''Come on mom, you like Jennifer! Any blind person could see that" I say with a big smile on my face. ''are you okay with that?'' she asks. ''okay? I am completely fine with it. She already feels like a mama to me and i truly love her. So yes mom I am fine with it now please ask the woman out sometime.''

My mom gives me a hug and she says, ''I will, thank you.''

I am making my way to the bathroom and I hear my mom saying, ''Just a shower?'' and I reply with ''yes, just a shower.'' Little does she know. i wanted her to spare the knowledge of me harming myself, again. She looked so happy.