One day, she'll be okay

panic

Next day

I woke up with this massive headache and I had to pee really bad. I push myself to get out of bed and then I rush to the bathroom. It was around 6.30 in the morning so that means that I've slept through yesterday. I don't mind though.

I walk downstairs and I see that my mother is already up with a cup of coffee in her hand.

''Would you like some?'' she asks without even looking up at me.

I rub my palm in my eyes and I gladly accept the offer. ''Yes please''

I pull out a chair for myself and I sit at the table while my mom grabs me a cup of coffee. My mom puts the coffee in front of me and she sits down opposed me.

''you can't go on like this, I love you so so much and I cannot lose you. you are very loved, you know that right?''

I just sip my coffee, I cant get a word out of my mouth. Finally the blockage in my throat was lifted '' I know mom, im sorry. '' is all I could let out with a tear rolling down my cheek.

''what do you want?'' mom looks at me like I know the answer to that question.

'' I really don't know'' I said still looking at my coffee. I could not look at my mom right now. If I did I would break down.

''we could look for some therapists, we have one in the bau. Maybe you would like that. Or you can just talk to me or anyone on the team.''

''I don't know mom, I just don't want to talk about it. When I think about I already suffocate let alone when I speak. I just.. I just want the voices to stop'' I say with defeat in my voice. My mom reaches for my hands to hold them and she lifts her finger under my chin so that ill be looking at her.

''what voices sweetie?''

''the one that tells me when- you know what nevermind. I am just so sick and tired of it. I want it all to stop. I know it is not what you wanted to hear but I want to die.'' tears were flowing over my cheeks like the dam broke.

Mom stands up and she walks over to me and she pulls me in for a tight hug. She did not let go. She just said ''I am so sorry you feel this way, I am going to help you. I don't know how yet but we will figure it out.''

My legs were starting to feel numb. Eventually they gave out. I drop to the floor and my mom pick me up and puts me on the couch.

''sweetheart please eat something''

I had no choice anymore, I had to eat.

After I ate my breakfast I wanted to go to the bathroom. ''Ill go freshen up, be right back.'' Unfortunately that didn't work anymore.

''Sit down Dana, wait 30 minutes before you go''

''why?''

''Because you just ate and I now know how you are, your going to the bathroom to throw up so please sit down.''

'' I am not going to do that''

''just please sit down and wait 30 minutes''

''Fine'' I said angrily

30 minutes had passed and i got up. Mom had to work today so I had to come with of course. I just hope that it is only paperwork and not a case. Once I got ready it was 8.30 and we had to leave.

At the bau

Aunt Penelope came up to me as soon as the elevator doors opened. She hugs me tight and says ''ive missed you guys.'' I hug her back, ''I missed you too.''

Then my mom went to her desk and she started some paper work. i just put my stuff down besides her desk and I go to Rossi's office. I knock on the door and he lets me in.

''hey do you mind if I hang on your couch?'' I ask him politely.

''you are welcome here any time kid, do you want something to eat to?''

I know he means well but I still don't feel like eating, then on the other hand I had to prove that I was not mentally sick or something so ''Yeah that sounds great.'' Is all that came out.

Rossi walks to the lunch room to get his pasta out of the fridge. He made his famous pasta yesterday and he had some leftovers. He walked so proud with that plate of pasta.

''here kid there you go. Pasta ala Rossi.'' He says proudly while he handedme the plate.

''thank you uncle dave'' I look at the plate and I just had to shut off my mind and just eat the dan pasta.

''I only have a few more files left to do and then ill be in the briefing room since we probably have a case. So then you have this office all to yourself.'' Rossi said with a understanding smile.

I slowly started to eat the pasta, damn I missed his pasta. I forgot the way that it tasted, it was a flavor explosion in my mouth. I had already ¾ of the plate and then I started the hear that voice again. Lose it. You are not worthy enough if you keep this in your stomach. Lose it.

I slightly started to panic but I tried to mask it as good as I can. Rossi stands up and says ''See you in a bit kid''

Everyone is gathering in the briefing room so that means that they have a case. I closed the blinds just enough for not to get noticed but closed enough so you don't see anything that is happening.

I started to pace and my heart rate just went up. I bring my knees to my chest and rocked myself back and forth, repeating you're okay, you're okay out loud over and over. My heavy breathing filled my ears and it was the only sound I could focus on.

Tears stream down my  face as the panic attack intensifies. ''in, 2 ,3,4'' I shakenly whisper. ''out, 2 ,3 ,4''

It doesn't work. I squeeze myself into a ball, still rocking at a steady.

JJ was a bit late so she had to walk past Rossi's office in order to get to the briefing room but the corner of her eye caught me.

''Dana?'' I hear in front of me. '' Hey, its okay, its okay'' JJ moves to the space on the couch next to me. I don't acknowledge her presence until she grabs my arms, making me release the grip around my legs. I look at her. Helpless.

''that's it, focus on your breathing.. that's the only thing that matter right now ok? Just deep breaths in and out.''

She helped my breathing to a steadier pace. ''are you okay?'' she asks. I shake my head. My mouth was too dry to speak. ''want to talk about it? I barely get out the words ''not right now.''

Then my mom comes into the office because the briefing was already over. She finds me and JJ on the couch and she just takes a quick  look at the tiny coffee table which had my plate on it. She realized what this was about.

She squatted down to sit in front of me ''Did you eat all of that?'' she says while looking at me with a smile. I nodded. She pulls me in for a hug, ''I am so proud of you sweat girl'' she whispers in my ear. I let another tear fall out.

My mom put her hand on JJ her knee and said softly ''Thank you.'' JJ just looked at her and gave her a understanding nod. ''I hate to break this up but it is wheels up in 30'' Hotch said just peeking around the corner.

I grabbed my go bag and I got in the car with my mom on our way to the airstrip.