One day, she'll be okay

avoiding

TW*

I turn the shower on and I am getting undressed but I am not going into the shower just yet. I grab a box from the bottom drawer and I open it. I lay eyes on my blades. I need to cut. I need to do it. With that voice inside my head I take the blade and I run it down my thighs. Blood is slowly dripping of my leg. I am still not satisfied. I take the blade and put it to my wrist. Slowly I make my cuts. But deeper and deeper. Blood is dripping down my wrist and my leg. It feel so nice, so comforting.
How can a person find comfort in pain?

Once I am satisfied with the amount of cuts and the depth of them I finally hop in the shower, just doing a quick rinse. Normally i would hiss at the pain of the warm water that is touching  my so sensitive skin. This time I don't. I don't feel a single thing. its like i pushed a button to turn every feeling off.

I quickly change into my favorite black hoodie and some sweatpants. I decide to leave my scars unwrapped so they have time to heal.

When I walk out of the bathroom, my mom passes me and she enters the bathroom.
She probably wants to shower too but then normally she wouldn't be in such a hurry.
I didn't even make it to my room when i hear, ''Dana, pull up you sleeves." Shit, how, how does she always figures it out.

I froze. I hear footstep towards me and my mom turns me around now facing her. She has tears in her eyes but she tries to mask them. I give up. Fighting will not help me out of this. She grabs my arm and pulls up my sleeves to see the new and fresh scars. She only says, ''Come, we need to clean those up.'' I feel ashamed, why am I still here. It hurts so bad.

Mom puts me on the counter of the kitchen. I let out a small wince which caused my mom to raise an eyebrow. She put me down and said, ''drop your sweats.''

Tears start to form in my eyes, ''I don't want to.'' ''Honey i am not mad. We have to keep the wound clean, now please let me help.''

After my mom cleaned the wounds, she just looked at me. Then after a while let out a big sigh and then she broke the silence, ''Honey you can't keep doing this to yourself. Now I am not mad at you or disappointed. I just wish that you'd find another way to cope.''

''I know mom.'' I let out on the verge of bawling my eyes out.

''Okay I want to make a deal with you. If you don't want to do it, that's fine but just tell me honestly.'' I just look at her with defeat in my eyes. She could have said anything and i would agree with her. i am now liquid because i feel so, yeah i don't know how i feel.

''I want to do check ups with you'' she said.

''check ups?''

''Yes. I want to check your wrists and thighs once a week of once a month so that I can make sure that it is not infected. Also for now I won't be taking your blades, I think it is best that you do that part on your own when you are ready.''

''Yes. It is fine and thank you'' i said really soft, almost whispering.

''please tell me when you feel the urge to harm yourself. Or when you have a bad day just let me know." I just look at her and let her continue. "i know that you think that it won't help but please give it a chance."

She pulled me in for a hug and i hugged her back. I felt safe but also humiliated.

Mom pulls me off the counter and gives a light kiss on my forehead. We both go sit down on the couch and watch some Netflix. I laid down on the couch with my head on moms lap. She puts her hand through my hair and she was shocked by the amount of hair that she got out with just combing through your hair with her fingers. Mom looks at me with worry in her face and tears holding back, I didn't notice because i am facing the tv.