Driving Sideways

33.

Derek stood outside the door, pacing back and forth in the hallway, tempted to push his ear against the door and listen. He had heard Meredith screaming at her mother, he had heard the calm and quiet in the room as well. He waited for a long time, nearly a half hour as he paced in the hallway. He waited patiently, and eventually his patience was rewarded when the door opened. Meredith walked from the room, her face was pale, and her eyes hollow as she closed the door behind her.

"Meri..."

"She..."

"Meri, what's going on... is she alright?"

"She said... she said she'd have the surgery..." Meredith whispered.

"She did?" Derek smiled. "That's great!" He said happily. "That's great!"

"No... Derek..." Meredith whispered as she pushed him slightly, feeling him back against the wall. "You don't understand..." She whispered, looking up into his eyes.

"What?"

"She'll only have the surgery... if you perform it." Meredith whispered, her eyes sad and lost, her head shaking softly as she watched her husband's smile disappear.

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Derek stared at his wife for a moment, his eyes wide with fear, anxiety, and a small bit of anger. "Derek?" Meredith whispered.

"No." Derek whispered as he shook his head softly. His voice was soft, no more than a whisper. "I'm sorry..." He said.

"Derek?" Meredith said, tilting her head. "Derek... what did..."

"No, Meri..." Derek said as he swallowed hard, his eyes flashing to the door and back to his wife's curious eyes. "No, Meri... I'm... I'm sorry... but... I can't." Derek replied as he turned and walked quickly for the stairs.

"Derek!" She called after him as he started to walk quickly down the stairs. "Derek, get back here! What do you mean, no?" She called.

Derek stopped on the stairs, Meredith nearly ran into him. "I mean no... I'm sorry... I mean no, no I can't do the surgery... no... I won't do the surgery, no." He shook his head as he started to turn again, feeling her hand on his shoulder, he turned around again.

"What do you mean, no? What do you mean you can't do it? You've been trying for days! Since you found out, haven't you? You've been torturing her... following her around, waking her up in the middle of the night to ask her... you are the one that convinced her to have the surgery... you're a brilliant surgeon... you can do the surgery!"

"No, Meredith... No, I won't do the surgery... I won't..." He replied as he pulled her hand from his arm as he walked quickly down the stairs. He heard her following him and swallowed hard.

"Derek! Wait!"

"No, Meri... no more discussion. I will not do the surgery... I will find another surgeon... I'll... I'll help her find another surgeon... but I will not be the one performing on her."

"She wants you!"

"I don't want that responsibility, Meredith!" Derek shouted. "One false move, your mother is dead! Not emotionally dead, not psychologically dead, but dead-dead... Worm food dead! Wings and halo and harp dead! DEAD!" Derek exclaimed. "Take it as being selfish... but I'm not about to kill my mother in law... goddamned fucking sadist..." Derek growled as he slammed into the kitchen.

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Meredith followed him into the kitchen, his words stinging her mind as she tried not to get upset. "Derek... please..."