Driving Sideways

41.

The gurney was rushed down the hallway before Derek and Meredith could even get into the building. They could hear Richard's booming voice down the hallway giving orders and the buzz of the hospital was apparent as Derek held her hand securely in his and led Meredith down the hallway. She had tears rolling down her cheeks and she was silent as the world around them appeared to be spinning out of control.

"It's going to be alright..." Derek chanted to himself over and over, trying to soothe Meredith, but at the same time trying to soothe himself while they pulled Ellis into a room as they worked on her..

They worked on getting her breathing going again as Derek pushed his back against the wall, making himself virtually invisible in the large hallway across from the room as doctors and nurses pushed around. Meredith moved into his chest and buried her face within it, his arms encircled her as they silently prayed together.

"It's going to be alright... it's going to be alright... it's going to be alright..." Derek whispered as he rubbed her back, his eyes on every movement of the doctors and nurses around Ellis in the room, he found himself holding his breath as they did everything that they could, hooking up monitors and machines as a nurse stepped forward and closed the door to the room, closing them off from the sounds and the sights of the woman on the table, but never once pulling their thoughts from her.

Derek continued to hold her tightly in the hallway, the memory of the sights and sounds of the last several minutes were plaguing them as they waited. They were doctors, they knew what was going on and they were fairly sure of the risks and struggles involved in an emergency situation. They also knew when it was time to step back, and Meredith was in no shape to be caring for anyone, attempting. Derek had the responsibility to his wife to make sure that she could still stand, that she could function, walk, talk. He needed to be with her, he needed to be at her side. Richard was with her mother, and the last thing that he needed were two panicking doctors ruining his rhythm and concentration.

The door finally opened and Richard stepped out. The look on his face was somber, not grim and Derek took that to be as good of a sign as he could. Meredith continued to bury her head in Derek's chest. "She...is breathing..." Richard nodded. "She's still out... and we don't think that it burst... yet... or she'd obviously already be gone... but this isn't looking good, we need to make a decision."

"A decision...Richard... how can we... I mean... neither of us have..."

"Do you want to save her, Derek?"

"Yes." He said directly, his wife's sobs were becoming louder as she squeezed him, his hand running gentle circles around her back.

"Then we need to get her into surgery, now. I've already started to gather the surgical team... but I need a right hand man."

"Richard..."

"Derek, you know more about this procedure than any other surgeon that I've met. You're bright, you're an ace according to Ellis... and I've checked your record. You're the best."

"Richard, I can't do... she's my... she's my mother... Richard..."

"You won't be doing anything you're not comfortable with. You're there for support and expertise... She is going to die unless she has this surgery... she wanted you to do it... You're going to be there... There's no other way around it. She's unconscious... that's consent enough... and you're the best surgeon that I've got on hand." Richard said, watching Derek think about it. He looked down at the trembling woman that was attached to him, her head buried in his chest as she sobbed. "Why don't you talk to Meredith." He whispered, watching how broken she was. "We're going to get her prepped... and make sure she's stable enough for the surgery. Let me know your decision as soon as possible." Richard said as he turned to walk back into the room, his face showing a deep concern that Derek was very grateful to see.

Derek stood in the hall holding his wife as she cried, her tears soaking into his shirt as they stood there. "Meri..." He whispered. "Meri, look at me, sweetheart..."

"Derek." She whimpered, her eyes showing such fear and sadness that he could feel a pain in his chest. "Derek..." She whimpered again.

"Listen..." He said as he crouched down slightly, pressing his forehead against hers. "Tell me to do it... and I'll do it, Meri... for you... for Ellis... for the boys... for Mark's little one in there..." He said with a sad smile, watching her eyes look up at his with just a hint of a sparkle left. "For me...Meri." He whispered. "I need to do this... she doesn't deserve to die..."

"But I don't want you to... what if...Derek, you can't..."

"Meri..." He whispered as he shook his head. "I'm going to go through a hell of a lot more if I never try." He said, watching her eyes carefully. He could see her stream of consciousness, the fear and reluctant gaze that was in her eyes. "Meri. Do you trust me?" He whispered.

"Yes." She said immediately, grabbing his hand.

"You know that I always do my best... and that I'd never, ever do anything to hurt you... you know that, right?" He whispered, watching her nod. "I want to hear you say it." He whispered.

"I trust you... and I know you love her, Derek. You'll do what it takes... you'll give it your everything. I'm not going to tell you to save her... that would be selfish... but I'm going to tell you that you mean the world to me, Derek. She loves you... I love you... your boys love you...and just..."

"I love you." He whispered as he kissed her lips softly, breathing in her scent as he ran his thumb across her cheek. "What are you going to do?"

"I'll find somewhere to sit... wait... I need to find out what Mark did with my children..." She said with a half smile, her eyes betraying it with the sadness in them.

"I will find you the second I know something... I'll find someone to do it for me, if I need to..."

"How are they going to know who I am, Derek?" She asked as he took a step towards the door.

"I'll tell them to follow the beautiful light that follows you around..." He said with a wink.

"Oh... Charming... don't mention lights to my mother, please." She whispered. "Tell her that I love her... even if she can't hear you say it... I want her to know..."

"Oh, I think she knows..." Derek smiled softly as he stepped into the room. "I love you."

"I love you." She whispered as he stepped into the room, leaving her alone in the hallway as a wave of loneliness washed over her.