Every Sunset was Once a Sunrise

26 : The light behind your eyes

They gotta be fucking kidding me. This must be some kind of a sick joke.

"What the hell are you guys saying?" I heard myself whispered these words with a trembling voice.

"It just didn't add up."

Dead. Gone.

"M-My mom... and d-dad wasn't..." Naninikip ang dibdib ko at tila hindi sumasapat ang hangin gaano man kalakas ang pag-ihip nito. And I think there might be something wrong with the air because every time I breathe in, it fucking hurts.

"Raf... I just met him in the bus! He's okay! We just talked! H-He's not... he c-can't be..."

"Don't you think there's still something missing?"

I shivered as scraps of unknown memories flashed like lightning in front of my eyes. Memories I've never known existed... Or rather, memories I desperately tried to repress and shut at the back of my mind.

Then I heard something snapped... my sanity.

Nanghihina man ay napasigaw ako kasabay ng pagpalahaw dahil sa lubos na panlulumo at paghihinagpis.

"...you're not dying because you aren't sick..."

From the very beginning, I always wonder why I carry this feeling with my everyday life, "Why don't you just let me fucking die?!" And I guess, this losses perfectly explains why.

"... I've lost some people I love but losing you like that was never a given..."

"Kinuha mo nang lahat sa 'kin, para saan pa at narito ako?! Come fucking on, take me too! I don't care how or when, just let me fucking go and be gone because I don't want to be here anymore if they're not!"

"Lew..." Sa kalagitnaan ng pagsigaw at pagpalahaw ko'y naramdaman ko ang pagsapo sa akin ng kaibigan. Patuloy ako sa humahangos na paghagulgol at pagsigaw at ni hindi ko namalayang nakasalampak na ako sa lupa.

"Why am I still here?!" I felt my eyes down to my neck burning with heat from my overflowing tears. Ang mga kamay ko'y nanginginig. Sa magkakahalong galit, panlulumo at nag-uumapaw na sakit.

Hindi ko maiwasang itanong sa lahat ng santo, kung gaano kalaking kasalanan ba ang nagawa ko at bakit kailangan nilang maging ganito kalupit sa akin? At kung ganoon na lang kabigat ang kasalanang nagawa ko, bakit hindi na lang ako ang kinuha nila? Bakit kailangang maging ganito ng parusa ko?

"Lew, it's okay, you're gonna be okay..." Humahangos man sa pag-iyak ay nagawa pa rin akong aluhin ng kaibigan.

Umiling ako nang paulit-ulit ngunit pakiramdam ko'y kahit ilang beses kong sabihin ito, wala pa ring makakaintindi kung gaano ito kasakit para sa akin, "I'm not! I'm never... I'm never gonna be... okay..."

Para akong dinudurog mula loob hanggang labas. Pakiramdam ko unti-unti akong nauupos at sa huli'y isang ihip o isang hipan lamang ay tuluyan na akong maglalaho.

And if I'll go over the list of my should have's, I might never be able to finish because I have countless of it. Oh, the useless things we asked ourselves only when everything's already said and done.

I didn't know how or when I stopped from crying or what happened after that. The last thing I remember is that I felt almost feverish with all the crying and screaming. With pain and fury storming inside of me. Na hanggang sa paggising ay dala ko pa rin, paulit-ulit na umuukilkil sa Sistema ko.

The load I carry everyday felt excruciatingly heavy that even breathing itself hurts. Ang luha ko'y animong sirang gripo na 'di maawat sa pagtulo, nang wala man lang abiso o babala. My body felt numb but I can feel my heart sinking below and each time, it wanders deeper.