Every Sunset was Once a Sunrise

25 : Dying

Present

Ang luha ko'y hindi maubos-ubos pagkatapos kong sabihin sa kaniya ang buong katotohanan sa likod ng desisyong nagawa ko. And I think I chose the right decision. Because look at him right now. He's settled and happy with someone else. So maybe seeing him again and having this trip down memory lane is for the sole purpose of having the closure we both didn't get. To finally be able to move on from the scars and look back not with a pained expression, but with a smile on our faces.

I accept it now. And I'm ready to come to terms with how things went. I'm done being scared looking back and running away.

Ang buong akala ko'y marami siyang itatanong, sasabihin o isusumbat ngunit mali ako. Raf kept his silence until we get back to the bus and the ride continued. Ang mga mata niya'y buong sandaling nakabagsak sa mga palad na nasa kandungan, sa mga daliring nagpapaikot-ikot sa gintong singsing na naroon sa ring finger niya.

His expression was unreadable, nang sa maingat na boses ay tinanong niya ito, "Are you... are you okay now?"

A bitter smile curved on my lips. I'm dying, alright. Where do I find okay with that?—gusto ko sanang sabihin. But instead, I said, "I'm trying, I guess. I mean, there's nothing else I could do but try." Lie.

"Are you really trying?" And from looking down, he slowly lifted his head and turned to me, eyes are now aching with pain and other unknown emotion.

Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko sa mga tingin niya. Kaya't kinailangan kong mag-iwas ng tingin para lang mapanindigan ang kasinungalingan. "Yes."

"You're not telling me the truth, Lew."

Kunot-noo ko siyang nalingon sa tabi ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Ramdam ko ang galit at pagkabigong umuusbong sa akin. Handa na akong isiwalat iyon ngunit naunahan niya ako sa pagsasalita.

"It just doesn't add up."

Agad napalitan ng pagkalito ang ekspresyon ko. "What are you trying to say?"

Hindi siya nagsalita at pinanatili lamang sa akin ang tingin gamit muli ang parehong hindi mabasang ekspresyon.

"You think I'm lying about what happened?" I couldn't help but scoffed in disbelief. "I just told you the exact truth, Rafiele! What else do you want from me?" I blurted out with a hint of frustration. I can feel my heart beginning to pound with mixed rage and fear.

Hindi pa rin siya nagsalita.

Does he really think I'm lying? At bakit ko gagawin iyon? Anong mapapala ko kung magsisinungaling ako sa kaniya ngayon?

Hanggang sa wakas ay binasag niya ang katahimikan at namumuong tensyon sa pagitan namin gamit ang matigas na baritono. "Do you think I'll just let you go like that? Na wala akong gagawin? Na hindi kita hahanapin? You really think I'll just go on with my life without you in it and move on, find someone else and settle?"

Ang kaba ko'y mas dumoble dahil sa mga sinabi niya. I couldn't believe my ears. I must be going insane. This must be a dream.

Nanginginig ang mga labi ko habang sinasabing, "D-Didn't you? Because as what I can see—"

"I didn't, Lew. Alam mo 'yon. I've lost some people I love but losing you like that without a fight was never a given... dahil hindi ko hahayaan 'yon—hindi ako papayag." He cut me off. And as our eyes locked, I could see a rising revolution in his that's drowning by sorrow.

I tried to hold back my tears but a soft, almost muffled cry escaped in between my lips, leaving me speechless.

"Don't you think there's still something missing?"