Every Sunset was Once a Sunrise

16 : See through

He said we needed some growing up to do. And knowing myself, I would definitely do otherwise just to prove a point or just to have it my way. But I think there's something wrong with me. Dahil wala akong ganang gawin ang kahit na ano. I was moping around for a couple of months and didn't even try to get better or to grow like what Rafiele said. Hindi ko alam kung paano at saan sisimulan ang kahit ano. Lalo na sa tuwing naiisip ko kung para saan pa ang mga pangarap ko kung ang dahilan nito'y wala na?

Ni hindi ako naging interesado sa kahit na sino para lang ipamukha sa kaniyang kaya ko kahit wala siya, o na madali ko siyang mapapalitan—katulad ng mga naging boyfriend ko noon. Dahil sino bang niloloko ko rito?

This is so pathetic. I never thought I am capable to be such a wretched.

"Hey, Mom." Iniwan ko ang hawak na hand-out sa coffee table para tumayo at lumapit patungo sa salaming bintana.

"Lewy, are you okay? Ang tamlay ng boses mo... Something happened?" ani Mommy sa nag-aalalang boses mula sa kabilang linya.

I rubbed my free hand on my arm as I stared at the busy street from outside the window. "I'm okay... medyo stress lang po sa school." I didn't even try to sound tired because I am.

"You should take a break from time to time." She chuckled for a brief pause before saying, "Nami-miss mo lang yata si Rafiele? It's only a couple of months left until his return, 'di ba?"

Pagkasinghap nang marahan ay mariin akong napapikit sa narinig. Then with a shaky voice, I managed to utter a reply. "Y-Yeah. I wanna see him so bad... s-sana bumalik na siya..."

Ang pagkakabasag ng boses ko'y mukhang mas lalong nagpakumbinsi kay Mommy.

"Oh, Lewy. I'm sure he misses you too."

With a reflection of my straight face expression on the glass window, I wiped a fallen tear on my cheek. Ilang sandali pa akong nanatiling tahimik matapos, para lang pakalmahin ang pagsisimulang paninikip ng dibdib. It's been months since we broke up but the pain's still here. Lingering. Refusing to go away.

"Mom... Raf and I... actually... broke up."

Singhap ni Mommy ang narinig ko sa kabila ng panandaliang katahimikan niya.

With a bile forming in my throat, I tried gasping for air only to end up tearing up so hard. I can hear mom's voice shaking on the other line as she tried to console me. She never asked why we broke up though. And I couldn't be more relieved that she didn't, because I don't think I can say it without breaking down over and over again.

"Lew, gusto mong sumama sa 'min ni Jeremy later? May party tonight for the last day of their college anniv." Tinanong ako nito ni Mon isang araw ng nag-skip ako ng class, para lang tapusin ang last season ng pinagdidiskitahan kong series.

"Ayos lang ako rito, Mon. Enjoy na lang kayo ni Jere." I was slouching on the couch with packs of snacks surrounding me.

Pumamaywang si Mon sa harap ng TV bigla. Ni hindi ko napansin ang paglapit ng lukaret dahil sa pagiging abala ko sa panonood.

"Heey! Ang ganda na nung part! Mon naman eh!" daing ko matapos dali-daling hinagilap ang remote para i-pause ang pinanonood.

Sarkastiko lamang akong tinapunan ng tingin ng kaibigan. "Lew, mukha ka nang dugyot! 'Wag mo ngang sayangin ang ganda mo! Ang daming tiis ganda tapos ikaw ganito?"

Iritable akong nagkibit-balikat. "Is that it? Can I watch now?"

Mon heaved out a defeated sigh. Napalitan ng awang may halong pag-aalala ang ekspresyon niya ng lapitan ako. She sits beside me on the couch, matapos itabi ang ilang empty pack ng snacks na naroon. Seryoso niya akong tinapunan ng tingin matapos.