The Blue And Gold Warrior Who Became Stronger And Resilient

Chapter 11

The radio station played my idol KT Oslin song "New Way Home" hearing that song have helped me get through everything in my life

I have went through a whole lot of things

I apologize if this post is long I want to share my experiences so others don't go through the trauma and pain I have been through

When I was younger I used to deal with lots of bullying of all forms I also dealt with cyber bullying as well

I got bullied about my disability and my medical conditions and I got bullied cause I did not know how to communicate and interact with anyone who was my age and younger

I always struggled with knowing what to say when I was interacting with my peers and when they saw me struggling I got teased and hit on and they tossed my food on the ground

I used to have a schedule from my bullies and I would get hit on sometimes I got slapped and other times I got called the R word

I felt so depressed and emotional when I went to school I ended up self harming every 2 weeks

I carried 12 razor blades on me and I ended up going to the bathroom and self harm I would cut myself in different areas so I can feel better from the emotional pain

I did that for a very long time for a total of 9 years

I ended up thinking about suicide I went to the library and researched ways of how to commit suicide cause I was feeling really really depressed

I took my mom's kitchen knife and I wanted to stab myself with it cause I felt like my life wasn't worth living no more

I ended up not doing it

When I tried to commit suicide the second time I wanted to use my Liquid prescription Motrin and aspirin while mom was sleeping and I was planning on going into the bathtub so I can die at home

I ended up not doing it

I ended up continuing with the self harming cause it hard for me to commit suicide

I self harmed for 9 years

I went through so much pain

Getting physically and emotionally abused when I was 9 years old

Also being molested at 9 years old

I also dealt with getting sexually assaulted 4 times from 3 boys who I knew I also had gotten Raped when I was 12 years old.

When I was 12 years old I had my first ever boyfriend he was 14 years old at the time

I went to his house to visit him and his mother had left the house and I was the only female in the house it was himself and his father

He took me in his bedroom because he wanted us to play video games on his play station and when I went inside his room he locked the door I was so nervous when he locked the door

He then asked me if I wanted to have sex with him I told him no not at all I didn't want to have sex at the age of 12

He pushed me on his bed and got on top of me and he had sex with me after I told him no he forced me to have sex with him I told him I didn't want to

It was a very very painful experience

The second sexual assault I went through was when I was on the bus the bus driver was a man it was myself and a older boy

I was 16 years old and he was 22 years old

The guy kept making so many remarks too me
He kept saying that I was hot and that he wanted me and then he told me that he wanted to grab me and grab my boobs I told him no he asked again and I told him no again and I explained to him that I was not going to give him no consent I didn't want anyone grabbing my boobs

He ended up coming to my seat and he grabbed me so hard and he grabbed me by my boobs so hard that I was in pain

I was in tears

The bus driver had gotten off the bus the driver allowed it to happen

I felt so ashamed after it happened I was afraid to tell anyone of what happened

The third time I was sexually assaulted was by my boyfriend at the time he was starting to mistreat me and he decided to pin me against the wall and he said he wanted to try new things on me he said he didn't want to do anymore hugging and he said he wanted to mess with my vagina and I told him No I told him I don't want that to happen and he don't have my consent and no permission to do so

He decided to pin me to the wall and he messed with my vagina and he was literally hurting me so bad he had his fingers inside and I couldn't even move cause the pain was bad I was so scared to tell my school counselor and teacher I was too scared and afraid to tell anyone

The fourth time was the worst moment my boyfriend at the time threatened me to do oral sex with him and I told him no I will never do that he forcefully put my mouth around his penis and when I tried to move my head he kept trying to keep my head on it and when I was finally able to break away from the grip he hit me

I went to a different area and my male friend and his good friend he ended up grabbing me after I told him no

It was very very hard and difficult experience for me

I ended up dealing with so much trauma and emotional pain where I didn't even know what to do with myself anymore

I had days where I didn't want to eat and I had days where I had stopped some of my activities

I had stopped doing my songwriting

I had stopped playing sports

I had stopped going to the arcades

I had stopped going to the movies too

I had times where I cried myself to sleep

I remember 1 day I decided to get up and go to San Francisco and when I got there I had went to my favorite music store I was 22 years old and I remember going to the country music section and I heard KT Oslin song "New Way Home" when I heard that song playing I had felt a huge impact the song made me feel inspired and hopeful

I ended up giving myself a new start in my life

I ended up getting involved in music school again and I went back to songwriting

After hearing the song I felt like a brand new person

When I was getting ready to leave the store

The Eagles song "The Best Of My Love" came on and "Desperado" came on after

When I heard those songs I felt so much better I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me

I feel a lot stronger now that I'm older

I am here

I am here to support others in the best way I can do it and I am here to advocate for all

I am the definition of a living Survivor

I am thankful that I am still here

The Eagles and KT Oslin music and all the other artists and music I listen to growing up and now have helped me out tremendously

I wish I had the strength and courage I have now when I was younger and a teenager growing up

I learned from my mistakes and I learned how to get better now I am older

This is my story