The Blue And Gold Warrior Who Became Stronger And Resilient

Chapter 6

Today I am celebrating my most biggest milestone it has been 7 years since I have completely stopped self harming myself and not doing anymore Suicide attempts.

I have struggled for so many years of self harm I had moments where I would literally cut myself anywhere cause I was feeling so depressed and sad constantly

I often felt that I had to do what I did just to get relief from all the pain I was going through and after everything I went through

As time went by the self harming got worst I ended up getting more depressed where I was researching ways of how to commit suicide

I tried to commit suicide the first using my mother kitchen knife
and I tried to do it 5 times different days and different weeks

I ended up putting the knife up to my throat and I ended up not killing myself with it

I ended up continuing to self harm and I tried to commit suicide again and that didn't work and it didn't happen

I remember when I was at home my mother was sleeping and I went to the bathroom and I took her container of Motrin pills and I was planning on going into my bathtub and I wanted to try drinking alcohol I was 14 years old at the time

I remember I was crying and in tears I was in so much emotional pain that it got to the point where I didn't know if my life was worth living and continuing to go through

I remember going through everything and when I got into the bathroom I was starting to have second thoughts

I ended up not going forward

I continued to self harm this time I was using sharper objects

I tried to commit suicide again this time I was age 18 I wanted to go to the Golden Gate Bridge and jump I wanted to leave home at 3am to go to the bridge I was completely willing to catch the late night train to go to the bridge

I ended up writing a note and I planned to put it next to my mother

And when I was getting ready to go back to the living room

I remember the radio came on and Carla Olson song "Number One Is To Survive" Don Henley song "The Unclouded Day" and KT song "Two Hearts" all came on and when those songs came on I ended up staying home and I ended up self harming for three days

4 months later I turned 19 years old and I played the songs again in a better mindset and it helped me so much it helped me give up the self harming completely

It helped me give up trying to commit suicide and doing suicide attempts

The songs helped me realize that it was not meant for me to die

And the songs made me feel so good about my life

Now that I am 25 years old and when I look back on all those moments I went through

I learned how to handle my life so much better

I learned how to handle my struggles better

I learned that I am fully loved and supported

I have all of you amazing friends in my life

I know and understand that if I ever feel that way again I can reach out

I'm thankful for all the love and support

It was meant for me to continue living my life

I would not want anyone to go through none of the struggles I went through

I'm thankful I am living

Music saved me

Dance saved me

My theatre arts studies saved me as well

And so much more

All of you wonderful friends have made my life even more happier to live through continuously

Thank you so much for everything

I'm still here and going strong

I have struggles I learned how to handle them better instead of harming myself I don't want to go back to that anymore

I will stay strong and fight through

I am glad I'm here

One Day At A Time