Touch

Chapter 32| Inner Turmoil

It had taken me weeks to dig myself out of the hole I was in and to be quite honest, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for Malachai.

He gave me the time, the space, and the comfort when I needed it, and when I needed my ass kicked, he was ready to go.

I'm not back to my old self, though I doubt I'll ever be. I'm healing and I'm so grateful that I even made it here because there was a time when I didn't think I would.

I learned so much about myself, about my wolf, we're bonding, and it feels good to know I'm not facing this alone. There's still so much that I don't know, that she doesn't want to show me, but we'll get there, as Malachai likes to say, "All in due time."

Malachai.

He doesn't realize it, but he's let me in, and it's been a thrill to see this side of him. The side that's soft, caring, vulnerable. It was all I ever wanted him to show me, the real him beneath the hard exterior and all that bravado.

Looking back, I think that's what got me through this whole ordeal. Truly feeling like someone had my back, feeling valued for once, but if I'm being honest, it scares me.

When I was Amina—yes, I've reached a point where I can say that name without feeling the urge to vomit—I thought I knew love, and losing Aaron didn't make me shy away from it. I wanted all these things of Malachai, and I hardly knew him at the time.

But after considering my past-my real past, a part of me still questions if I'm moving too fast. I am irrevocably in love with Malachai, I want him, my wolf wants him, but what if he hurts me?

I don't think I could survive it, to be honest. This love is like nothing I've ever experienced, it's greedy and consuming. Sometimes, I find myself staring at him, trying to brand every detail into memory.

At night, sleep evades me as my body yearns for him, my skin crawling with need for his touch. I miss him when he isn't near. It's insanity-

It's the bond, my wolf interrupted.

It's unhealthy to love someone this way, to want someone this way, and yet I wouldn't trade it for the world. No, he's too far wedged in at this point.

If the damage is done, then why do you wish to flee Solina?

"I don't wish to flee, I simply wish to protect myself, Sūrya,"

You're worried about him hurting us when he's done nothing but show you how much he cares. We've come so far Solina, don't backpedal now.

"You weren't there, you don't know what it's like."

I was there-

"Yeah, and when shit got too heavy you left, you shutdown! I didn't have that privilege!"

When she whimpered, I immediately flinched, knowing that I had gone too far, "I'm sorry, Sūrya, I didn't mean it like that-"

You know I would have never left you.

"I know-"

You know what they did to me! You know what I had to do to protect us!

" I know, and I'm sorry for ever uttering the words. I said it in anger, I didn't mean it."

She didn't reply.

Another thing about me, since finding out who I was my fuse had become incredibly short. This is probably why she is so hesitant to show me everything.

She knows me better than I know myself, and as much as I tell her that I can handle it, that I'd rather know it all now than learn bits and pieces, I would probably implode. She was right, and I for the umpteenth time was a grade-A dick who needed to do better.