Right in Front of Me

everything's fine, i'm fine - year 6

TW: harry's feeling very very depressed in this chapter. please be kind to yourself, and please just be careful if depressive thoughts might trigger you.

Tell me something,
don't tell me that everything's fine.
There's a lie for every cheap smile that we hide behind.
When the world's on your shoulders and nothing feels right.
Everything's fine, I'm fine.

Blaise was dead.

He isn't alive anymore. He wouldn't kiss Harry anymore, wouldn't gently caress his thigh when they were in bed... he wouldn't do anything anymore... because he was dead. He was dead and it was all Harry's fault.

"It's not your fault, H." Ron would lie, trying to comfort him. "We all didn't see that Death Eater there... you did all you could."

"Well, I didn't do enough did I!?" Harry would snap. He would regret it immediately but Ron understood. He always understood. And for some reason that made Harry even more irrationally angry. He'd hear Ron and Hermione whispering sometimes, thinking Harry wasn't paying attention, but he was.

"You just need to give him some space, Ron. His... his boyfriend died. I mean I can't even imagine, if that were- well, I can't imagine." She'd say.

"I know, but why can't he understand that we love him and we want what's best for him... and we want to help him?"

"Because he's heartbroken, Ron." She'd say, and he'd nod in understanding. Then they'd look at Harry innocently, as if they weren't talking about him. He wasn't mad though, he knew they just cared about him, but didn't know what to say.

The week after it happened, he stayed at home with James, Ephie and Monty. Lily wanted to stay home with him too, but he convinced her that she should still go to work, and just come home in the evening. He loved his mum, but he didn't think he could handle it if she was with him constantly. His dad was different. He understood that Harry didn't want to be coddled. One night Harry was sitting up on the couch, this wasn't anything new, but James must've heard him and he came and sat down next to him.

"It's late, love. Can't sleep?" He asked. Harry nodded. He felt numb, everything felt numb nowadays. He didn't know how to fix it. "Want me to make you some tea?" Harry knew that even if he said no, that his dad would make tea for him anyways so he nodded again. When he brought him the tea, Harry noticed he'd made a cup for himself too.

"You don't have to stay up with me dad. I'm fine."

"You've said that word so much that it doesn't even sound real anymore." James said, smiling lightly. Harry smiled too, in spite of himself. He didn't want to smile, somehow that felt like he was betraying Blaise.

"I just... I don't really know what to do or what to say." Harry said honestly.

"That's alright." James responded. "You don't have to know. You shouldn't have to know what this feels like, first with your friend Cedric and now with..." They were all afraid to say Blaise's name around him, Harry noticed. "It breaks my heart every single day that you're hurting and I can't do anything to help."

"This is helping." Harry said, looking up at his dad, finally. James smiled. "You just... being here. It helps."

When he went back to Hogwarts in the fall for his sixth year he knew that Dumbledore had been waiting to meet with him. He had important things to talk to him about... something that could help kill Voldemort, supposedly. Lily convinced him to give Harry a few days to get back in the swing of classes and he, reluctantly agreed. He walked with Ephie and his mum to the Gryffindor commons. She had been sorted into Gryffindor too, and Harry's heart felt softer... just in that moment.