Nothing came out of my mouth as if I am struck by a lightning, not being able to move anymore and no capabilities to force everything out. I am sitting on my bed, preoccupied about what I have seen earlier.
Feels like something awakened my senses out. And worst, I remained still unaware, being captivated by his weak body as his eyes searched for mine with his hand reaching for the warmth of mine.
I am on my right state but on a tight lip. I don't know how to make someone feel good. I don't know how to make someone be calm and how to take good care of them because all my life, I've been thinking only about myself.
Nothing else. It's as if only myself that matters.
Without having second thoughts, I slowly walked towards him and held his hand.
Mariin ang pagkakahawak niya roon, tipong doon lang nakakakuha ng matinding kaginhawaan. He removed his bonnet and his hair is now exposed. Humaba na iyon ng kaunti. He looks normal but I can see on his eyes the great weakness.
Probably from studying. From being so attentive with everything to the point that he's not getting a rest.
"Andy, I am sorry," he almost whispered. I shook my head because I don't want to speak right now. Too weak to speak already. I'm afraid I might leave him here if I do that. "Sorry. I am so sorry for everything."
I don't know what he's sorry for but I didn't bother to ask. I didn't bother to waste anything.
Tanging paghawak lang sa kamay niya ang ginawa ko dahil sa ganoong paraan, kumakalma lang siya ng kaunti. I can be the only one who can give him the peace.
Peace.
Peace.
Peace.
I don't know if that word can actually be inside of me now. Too weak to say a word now. Para lang akong natutunaw nang paunti-unti.
Hindi ako galit. Hindi rin ako nagseselos. I don't know what I am feeling. Maybe guilty because I was not here to help him? I was not here to give what he needs? I was not here to give him peace earlier?
It was Chary who provided it all, I guess.
He closed his eyes while his hand is still holding mine. The hand of a man that I hated before. The hand of a man that I never wanted to be with before. The hand of a man that I wanted to walk away from.
The hand of a man that's giving me warmth now.
Brushing his hair gently and slowly looking at his features, my lip smiled a bit. He fucking looks like an angel who's sleeping on his bed after a tiring day. Unproblematic. Flawless. Too good to see him sleeping like this at this moment.
Because I swear, he's more handsome with his eyes being awake and being able to stare at me with the intensity I am willing to stare at too.
And I guess, this is not the right moment for that. He's tired. He deserves the rest.
I slept that night staring blankly at the ceiling. Wala lang. Pakiramdam ko ay okay ang gabing iyon para hindi kaagad ako matulog.
Tumawag lang ako sa parents niya na sunduin siya rito kasi hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari sa kanya kapag hindi sinabi sa kanila. Iyong kuya niya ang sumundo sa kanya.
I wanted to go with them. I wanted to at least be with him if he's fully awake already but his older brother insisted that I should take a rest. I should not go with them.
"You have classes. Lancelot will call you if he's already in right condition, okay? I'll tell him that myself, so don't need to worry."
And I was left alone in our dorm. Inumaga na ako ng tulog dahil masyadong okupado ang isip ko sa mga nangyari. Halos hindi na nga ako nakapag-concentrate sa klase kung kaya't buong araw akong lutang.
