The Host

The 90210 Shark Attack

After the challenge, we return back to camp and we are all in shock at what we see. The entire shelter has been burned to the ground, monkeys hopping and hooting all over the remains. Phillip drops to his knees and starts crying, pussy tears flooding the campground. Fabio puts the wet filter on his vacuum and sucks up all of Phillip's tears. He then runs over to the monkeys joining them, and begins hopping around before he breaks out into song.

"OO BE DOO, I WANNA BE LIKE YOU-OO-OO"

Everyone ignores Fabio and starts brainstorming possible solutions. After some chattering, Russell opens his stupid mouth, "I know what we can do!" We all stare at him waiting for him to share his idea. After staring at him for about 3 minutes he says, "Alright I'll tell you." He has a creepy smile on his face. "I propose an orgy!"

We all stare at him again. Everyone on the tribe begins projectile vomiting, all but one. Phillip says, "I'm all for it!"

"Ew are you kidding?" Hannah says to him, wiping her mouth of puke.

He then says, "Back when I was a special agent in the FBI, they suggested releasing sexual tension would help us focus better. This could improve all of our games."

Everyone stands around for a second and discusses. The only people agreeing to having an orgy with Shrek himself are Phillip, Makayla, Brylee, and Malcolm. They all go over and join Russell.

"Y'all are sick in the head," I say with disgust.

They take off to the woods and the rest of us go down to the water to discuss who we are going to vote out tonight at tribal. Fabio is safe tonight but nobody was planning on voting him out anyways. We all come to a unanimous decision to vote out the random girl that got washed up on shore, because who ordered that?

After everyone finishes, it's literally time for tribal. The car comes to pick us all up, and we pack our belongings and leave. When we get to tribal, Jeff is less than pleased. He's black and blue all over, and his survivor attire is shredded to pieces. 

He introduces Boston Rob as the first member of the jury, and then he starts. 

Jeff goes on a 3 hour tangent on how he needs to start picking locations where dolphins don't reside. He now has a personal problem with all marine mammals. When he finishes, he says, "and with that, I don't have any energy to listen to you talk. It's time to vote."

After we all go up the podium, Jeff leaves to go tally the votes. When he comes back, there are 10 votes for Brylee and one vote for Fabio. He perks up at his name, scratching his head in confusion and singing I Wanna Be Like You again. He seems to decide that he's the one to leave, because he begins gathering his belongings and weeping quietly. 

"Fabio you fucking nonce you have immunity. Sit your ass down!" I shout. He smiles and puts his bag on the ground. No thoughts just vibes. 

Jeff smuffs Brylee's torch. We all begin to get up and Jeff says, "Where are you going? It's not over yet. There's a twist!" Brylee takes the second seat on the jury and we all look to Jeff. 

"Tonight, you will be voting out another player. You all will compete in a three word puzzle. The first person to untie all their bags and unscramble the phrase will get the immunity necklace from Flopio and be safe from the second vote tonight. Take your places and let's get started."

We get in place and Jeff says, "Survivors ready? Go!" We race to the post with our bags and begin untying them. Phillip has pulled his now 7 foot toenails out and is using them to saw through the ropes. Fabio is first to untie his pieces and races back to the desk to unscramble the phrase. A few other people begin to head back, and I finally finish my bags. Before I can even begin placing my pieces, Fabio shouts, "Done!" 

Jeff walks over to him to check if he is right and he is. "Fabio wins individual immunity. Again," he sighs. The puzzle spells out "fuck u fabio."

Fabio cheers, "YEAAAH MAN!!!" and then pauses and reads the puzzle again. "Wait... who did this?"

"I don't know," Jeff says. "I'll have a word with the producers about this." He goes to sit back in the Probst chair. "And with that, it is time to vote again. Once again, can't vote for Fabio he has undeserved immunity."

We all get up and vote again, none of us knowing what to do because we've had no time to discuss. I end up writing Russell's name down, wanting to vote him out for a while now. Once we are all done writing in our votes, Jeff comes back and slams the urn down. He reads the votes and it's a close one, 4 votes Naonka and 6 votes Russell, meaning Russell is going home.

...

We get back to camp and everyone pretty much goes right to sleep after a long tribal council of Jeffrey running his mouth about porpoi. I, however, cannot sleep so I go down to the shore and see a figure sitting there. I think it's a demon. I begin chanting, trying to send the demon back to hell and I stop as Fabio snaps his head around and stares at me. 

"What?" he says.

"What?" I say back. He blinks.

"Wanna smoke pot?" he says, holding out his already lit joint and a giant bag of weed.

"Sure," I say. I sit down next to him and take the joint from his hand. A moment of silence passes and I don't know what else to say so I go, "Congrats on the back-to-back wins dude."

He nods and says, "Thanks." We sit for a moment longer then he asks me, "So how're things going with Jeff?"

I shrug. "They're going, I guess." He gives me a look. "Actually it's going great."

"Really?" he says. I start crying.

"No," I sob, "he's weird!!! He wears that chuck the cheese costume every time we fuck now which is weird because I thought the dolphins ate it, which makes it even weirder because that means he's got backups. He has a midget fetish, I've caught him watching midget porn so many times. And he's got this weird obsession with you and making your life miserable." I sniffle.

"Don't I know it," he responds. "If you're so weirded out by him you should just dump him."

"It doesn't work like that, Fabio. I love him."

"Yeah, you loved me once too." 

I pause, my tears retracting back into my eyes. Thoughts being thunk. "I still do... but things have gotten more complicated."

Fabio begins throwing a Yoshi fit, laying on his back in the sand flailing about. "TAKE ME BACK BAAAAAAABE" he howls. 

I start yelling at him, "Fabio stop it! This is exactly why I won't. You need to grow up." And just like that, my life flashes before my eyes and a shark has made its way to shore and now has me in its jaws. "BAAAAAAABE!" Fabio screams. 

I feel myself being yanked out of the shark's grasp and tossed on the sand. I look up and Fabio is having a full on wrestling match with the shark. He wins. He runs over to me, crying, asking if I'm okay. I sit there, flabbergasted, unable to do anything but disassociate. He pulls me into his arms and I begin to SOB. He pets my head and the amount of comfort he gives me is almost too much to bear. What am I doing with Jeff? He would never make me feel as safe as I do right now. The shark would've used him to pick its teeth after eating me.  

Before I get too deep in thought, Fabio coughs up another blunt like a pez dispenser. He says, "You don't have to speak, just smoke this." 

"Another?" I say. 

He nods, and I take it and smoke it to the face. He doesn't even ask me where it went when I hand him the roach. He lights up another, this time to share, and we head back to the shelter's remains hand in hand.