The Host

The Inverted Nipple

Once upon a time Jeff Probst was in a porno. In it were three small men. Midgets, the whole lot of em. He made them rub oil on his naked body and call him "Grandmaster Probst." At least, this is what he told me in the middle of fucking me. 

He always told me weird stories that may have been true and I can't help but wonder, Did Fabio ever bother me like this? But I force myself to remember that Fabio's mad anyways. I continue about my day and remember that there is a challenge later, for immunity. When we arrive at the challenge, I notice that it looks intense. I see a big water container and harnesses. Jeffrey is standing on a platform in front of an iron throne. Kewl. He says, "peasants, uglies, and fatties, are you ready to hear today's challenge?"

"Bold, coming from you." Fabio says.

Jeff snaps to his producers and they pull Fabio off to the side. He returns moments later with a black eye. He looks pissed and he looks ... so good. "I'm going to ruin you, Jeff Probst. First you stole my dignity and then my girlfriend, but you're not taking the million dollars from me too." 

"What are you gonna do about it loser." 

"I'm gonna win this challenge, and then, I'm going after you, no matter what. I will win that million and your job title too. I'm the new Jeff Probst."

Jeff almost peed his pants with laughter so the producer had to explain the challenge to us. We had to remain suspended above a game board full of electric eels and ladders. Like the board game, just survivor like. When Fabio got put into his harness, he began meditating. He was chanting to someone but I couldn't makeout who. Not that I cared in the slightest. 

We start the game and I notice thunder clouds getting nearer. I'm a little afraid of getting hit by lightning, but I don't let him change my focus. Suddenly, Fabio's nipple inverts and a whole lightning bolt strikes right out of it. There's a blinding light then before our eyes is Coach with his dragons, ascending from the sky. He begins howling at Fabio and he howls back. 

Coach gets into position and whips a ninja blade straight at Jeff Probst's jugular. Jeff is dying and there's absolutely nothing i can do about it. Oh well sucks to suck. Jeff rises from the dead as the medics patch him up in record time and he snatches Coach's toupee off his head and shoves it up his ass. Coach lets out a squeal and disappears into thin air.

"Wow that was wild" I say. 

"Anyways back to the challenge," Jeff says and we start the challenge as if nothing happened.

Nobody wins the challenge, Jeff gets angry and declares himself the winner of immunity. And decides to vote two people off at tribal instead of one. I can't believe he's done this. 

I start scrambling because i fear that my name will be on the chopping block. I just know that Fabio has gathered up his goons to vote me out tonight and i need to make sure that doesn't happen.  I know what i must do.

I find Russell, and i suck his dick to lure him into an alliance with me to make sure i don't get voted off tonight. 

I tell him about the plan after i finish sucking his peen. 

"What's in it for me?" he says. 

"I just sucked your filthy chode now make sure i don't get voted out, ogre."

"Fair enough" he says.

. . .

We're at tribal, and Fabio and his goon squad are expecting me to be going home tonight. 

To our disadvantage, Rob receives the most votes and is first to go home. On the revote, we send Ken home. Fabio and his 2 goons that are left look shooketh5678. 

I spit on Naonka - straight in her mouth - and scream "Don't fuck wit me!" in her face. She takes her torch and lights my hair on fire with it. Fabio pulls a firehose out of his ass and puts the fire that is my head out.

I'm crying and shaking, poor me. "Fabio, thank you so much for saving me," I say to the man.

"No problem man" he says and puts the hose back in his mary poppins asshole and leaves. 

Jeff comes up to me to make sure I'm okay. I slap him away and assure him I'm fine and tell him to get off me. He obeys these commands, as he should, and kisses me goodnight. I'm then on my way back to camp with no hair left. Completely scalped.