The Host

The Ride of my Life

We walked into our challenge and hear Jeff Probst say, "Alright Wigwam, take a look at
Tiki Tiki and see who went home." We noticed it was Jane. We turn to face the host and he begins to explain the challenge.

"For today's challenge, you guys will be facing off in a test of stamina. Every person will have their own personal ostrich. When I give my go, you will hop on the bird's back. Whoever lasts the longest will win immunity for their tribe. I'll give you a minute to get settled in."

I walked over to my bird, and I take a deep breath. I notice mine looks disheveled, and has a crazy look in his eye. I see a name tag on the bird that reads "Michelle." Foul.

"Alright, on my cue you will jump on the bird's back. Survivors ready? Go." I inch my leg over the side of my ostrich, and immediately it falls, and it's back breaks and it's legs snap in half. It lets out a dying "SQWAK." I can't believe my fat ass just broke a bird. I distantly hear Jeff calling me out of the challenge. I sit in the bench and await to see if my tribe wins.

"You guys have been riding the birds for 45 minutes now. For Wigwam, we have Fabio, Boston Rob, and Makayla still in the challenge. Tiki Tiki has Ken, Mick, Russell, and Parvati."

Suddenly, Randy stands up and starts growling like a bear. Fabio's bird get scared and throws him off of it. Fabio starts crying because he stubs his toe on a grain of sand.

I yell at him, "babe, stop crying you fucking pussy. You're embarrassing me!"

He cries harder, snot dripping down his chin. Everyone points and laughs.

Then, Russell's bird starts shitting in place. Russell, disgusted by the smell, starts hurling all over him and Boston Rob. They are both eliminated. All that's left for our team is Makayla. We begin cheering her on and she flips us off, always the sweetheart. Mick, wanting to win, throws himself off of his bird and onto Makayla's. He brings her to the ground, leaving Parvati the victor and us with a date at tribal.

We arrive back at camp after losing the ostri riding challenge and I decide to do something to save my skin. I walk up to Makayla and get ready to strategize with her. She immediately looks at me in disgust and says, "whatchu want?"

"I want to form an alliance with you," I say. "No one will be expecting it. And I think we could get really far in the game."

She thinks for a minute, and then finally agrees to the alliance. "Who else do we have?" she asks me.

"Obviously there's Fabio. And Rob and I are pretty tight. We can try and get Hannah on our side. I'm thinking we should vote Shambo off tonight."

"Why Shambo?" she asks.

I reply, "she's ugly, smells funny, doesn't flush when she's had a shet." Makayla just nods in agreement. Fabio walks up to us, sticking his fat nose in everybody's business per usual.

"WHAT" Makayla screeches.

"He's in our alliance you dumb slag," I snap at her. She rolls her eyes.

"What are we talkin bout my niggaz?" Fabio's annoying ass says.

"We're talking about voting off Shambo tonight. Me, you, Makayla, Rob, and we're hoping we can get Hannah in on it."

"Kewl" he says and walks away.

"So there we have it" I say. "See you at tribal." I say to Makayla and follow Fabio for our hourly fuck. He's up to 11 minutes now.

Fabio is balls deep in me as Shambo approaches us.

"Heard y'all tryna vote me off tonight and I would just like to know why" she says as Fabio continues pounding me into the core of the earth.

I shrug and say, "gotta vote someone off homie."

She screeches at the top of her lungs, the entire island shaking. Trees fall, Fabio's dick is now limp. Not sure what I'm more concerned with.

"You're fucking crazy!" Fabio yells at her. "Batshit I tell you! Go smoke a blunt or somethin."

Shambo whips her shoe at Fabio's forehead, leaving a big fat red mark, and stomps away, shaking the island as she goes, mullet swaying in the wind. I notice she has birds nesting in her hair and I vomit all over Fabio's dick, which has somehow ended up in my mouth. Not sure how that happened. My man is magical.

"Ew!" he yells at me and grabs me by my hair and throws me off and I land in a tree.

"What's ya fuckin problem man??" I yell at him.

"You just puked all over my 5 star cock! What do you mean what's my problem???"

I start crying. Fabio hurt my feelings. Rawr XD. :'( He notices im crying and flies up to the tree. I don't even ask how he did it, I'm done asking with this nigga. He starts comforting me.

"Babe, I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm just not into the whole puking thing. I like keeping my willy clean."

I laugh and shove him playfully. He flies me down from the tree, and we begin making our treck to tribal.

When we get there, Probst is standing in the corner per usual, with a smug grin on his face. Nigga probably thinks I'm going home but April Fools bitch.

We light our torches and he starts to question us. "So, after the amusing challenge, how is everyone holding up?"

Shambo immediately begins popping off. "First off, I would like to point out that Aubrey BROKE A BIRD and yet I'm on the chopping block? It makes no sense to me!"

"Actually, me neither," Probst says. "After watching that pathetic display of obesity I was sure Aubrey was going home."

"Are you kidding me Jeff? I suck your dick once a day and you're throwing me under the bus? Keep in mind that if I go, so does your daily nut -"

He cuts me off with a "It's time to vote. Shambo, you're up."

He looks shook. I have shook Jeff Probst.

"Once the votes are read, the decision is final. The person voted out will be asked to leave the tribal council area immediately. I'll go tally the votes."

When Shambo leaves, she has one final thing to say. She flicks my nippleless left teat and spits on Fabio's genitals. She says, "hope y'all catch AIDs. Bye hoes."

"Thank fuck she's gone, amiright ladies?" Fabio asks. I pick him up by the ear and drag him home for the night.

Jeff Probst follows us back to camp and walks up to me and Fabio and says to me, "forgot to suck my dick. We had a deal." I look up at him and his pants are already off, penis erect, hands on his hips with a smug look on his face.

Fabio gets pissed, stands up, and snaps Jeff's dick in half. Fabio has broken his peni. Normally I would be shocked, but I start crying tears of joy from Fabio's romantic gesture in sticking up for me.

Medical shows up and tells Jeff he has a broken penis, so there will be no more intercourse for him for at least a month. Jeff glares at Fabio, the look on his face saying that he is plotting something.

Jeff leaves with medical to get treatment on a helicopter. He spits on Fabio from the helicopter, from such a high distance that it burns a hole in Fabio's arm. He starts crying. Again. This time for a good reason though.

I bandage up his arm with some palm fronds and kiss it better. I make sure no one is touching his left arm and I protect him from all danger. Gn.