Wishes

Learning to be okay

2 weeks later

It had been 2 weeks since I arrived in Boston, before we left I spoke with the hospital I work at and explained everything, they told me to take as long as I needed to get better. I was so grateful.
Living with Chris has been amazing, I'm staying in one of his spare rooms and I'm loving being here. It makes the sadness not so sad.
Nothing has happened between me and Chris, I'm not ready for that and he understands. I need to focus on me and my mental health before anything else.
Today we are going to his mums for a bbq, I met his family the first week of being here and they were lovely. They treated me as if I was part of there family and I was so happy to be surrounded  by such kind people.
I was just finishing getting ready when I heard Chris shout "hey L, you nearly ready?"
He had started calling me L, and I kind of liked it.
"Yeah, 2 seconds"
I decided to go with a white sundress and wedges, my hair was straight and in a half up half down style and I had a bit of make up on. I looked at my self in the mirror and smiled, Ashley would have loved this, she loved me dressing up and looking pretty.
As I walked into the kitchen I saw Chris standing there in khaki shorts and a white T-shirt, he looked good. He was concentrating on his phone when I cleared my throat.
"Hey"
He looked up and his mouth was open
"Chris?"
"Sorry.....you look wow"
I laugh "thank you, you look pretty wow too"
"Shall we?"
"Let's"
I grab the containers of food I made and we head to the car. When we arrive at Lisa's house, Chris helps in with all the containers, we get to the door and Lisa opens it
"Oh Lauren dear, you look so pretty"
"Thank you Lisa, so do you"
She pulls me into a hug and kisses my cheek.
We take the food into the kitchen and we make our way to the back garden.
"Lauren!!!!"
Stella comes running over to me, I pick her up and she gives me a big cuddle
"Hey Stella, you okay?"
"Yeah I'm okay"
I place her back down and say hi to everyone. Chris comes out a few minutes later with a beer and a coke for me. I'm trying to stay away from alcohol at the moment.
He sits next to me and places his arm on the back of the chair by my shoulders.
We spend hours talking and laughing with his family, the music is playing and it's a good atmosphere.
I'm sat there listening to Scot when I hear a familiar song playing, it makes me freeze. I can feel myself starting to cry
"Sorry, excuse me" I run inside to the bathroom.
I try and calm myself down but it's not working, I can't breath, I can feel myself getting lightheaded. I sit down on the floor and I hear a knock on the door
"L, you okay?"
I can't answer, I can't breath. He opens the door and sees me on the floor "Lauren? What happened?"
He kneels down beside me and pulls me into a hug, I push him away "can't......breathe"
"Okay, try to copy my breathing, come on you can do it"
I try but I just can't calm down, I start to panic more. All of sudden, Chris grabs my face and kisses me, i instantly feel my self calming and melting into the kiss. He pulls away and leans his head on mine.
"What was that for?"
"I needed to distract you, so you would focus on something else"
"Oh" I was slightly disappointed
"What happened?"
"I heard a song, it was Ashley's favourite and I just got upset and freaked out. I'm sorry"
"Don't be sorry, it's okay"
"I thought I was getting better"
"Grief is a funny thing, it will hit you when you least expect it, but it's okay"
"I miss her, she would have loved today. Being surrounded by people and seeing me in a dress. She would have been so happy"
"She can see you, and I know she would be happy your doing this"
"I hope so"
He holds his hand out and helps me up, I'm still feeling a little light headed and so I fall forwards, he catches me
"Woah! You okay?"
I look up and realise how close our faces are
"Erm....yeah, I'm a little light headed is all"
"Okay, we'll sit for a bit until you feel better"
I sit in the toilet lid and he sits on the edge of the bath.
"L, about that kiss?"
"Yeah?"
Just as he is about to talk, Scot comes to the door
"Everything okay?"
I look up at him "yeah, sorry I didn't mean to run away in the middle of our conversation"
"It's okay"
I stand up and hug him "thank you"
"Can I ask what happened?"
"The song reminded her of Ashley and she got a bit upset"
"Oh sweetie" he pulls me into another hug "that's completely understandable, come on let go get you another coke and something to eat"
"Okay" I look back at Chris and he smiles at me. We all walk back into the garden, Scot goes to the kitchen and grabs me a drink, Lisa comes out and wraps her arms around me, it wasn't a normal hug, I would imagine this is what it would feel like to have a proper hug from a mother. It felt good, I smiled and hugged her back
"I'm here if you ever need to talk"
"Thank you Lisa"
I look over and see Chris smiling, he winks at me and mouths 'you okay?'
I smile and nod, Lisa let's me go and I sit with Chris's sisters and brother and we all just fall into a simple and easy conversation.
Being around this family makes my heart mend, being around Chris makes my heart mend.
I finally felt like I could get through this.