Life and other shit in general

Little too late

Alfie's POV: I let her go. I watched her run away. Still can't believe it. The hurt on her face. The way she pushed me with disgust. Fuck. If I'm honest I didn't follow her at first cause I couldn't take it. Vera always had a nack of telling the honest truth without sugar coating it. I needed sugar coating. I knew it was all my fault. How could I be angry at her for dating other people?? I'd never given her any reason not to. I can't take the fact that I've spoiled it. Everything id set out not to do. I didn't date her cause I didn't want to ruin how close we were. Well I've managed that perfectly. This is so fucked up! When I eventually gathered my wits enough to follow her she was gone. Damn that girl could move fast when she wanted to. I ran for nearly an hour solid. I looked everywhere but she was gone. I lost her. My heart still aches when I think about it. I'm ashamed to say I cried. I sat on a park bench and bawled my eyes out. I haven't cried like that since my nan died. She wouldn't answer my calls. She could be anywhere. Then fear set in. What if something happens to her?? She's could be lying in a ditch for all I knew. How could I be so fucking stupid?! Then she did something she's never done before. She rejected my call.
Ok so she's not in a ditch somewhere. She just don't want me. Jesus Christ that hurts to admit that. I'd pushed her away for the last 2 days and now I wana talk she ain't interested. Can't say I blame her. Why the fuck did I say it for??!! 'Go back to Harry'.... I'm a dick. I am the worlds biggest arsehole, wanker, prick that ever walked. Why did I say it? The small voice of truth in the back of my head tells me what I'm trying to avoid. Because you wanted to hurt her. To hurt her the way seeing Harry's arms around her hurt you. Shut up!!! Shut up!! I'm going mad. I'm actually going fucking mad.
It's been 4 hours since our argument, I can't sleep. Eventually I rang my mum and asked her to get me. I coulda got a cab but I was in a bad state. I still am. My poor mother. She didn't know what to say when she found me. Sitting in a park crying my eyes out. I love her so much. She didn't ask, she just wrapped her arms around me and kissed my forehead. Even when we got home she didn't ask. She just put me straight to bed. That woman is amazing. I would have to ask. I'm nosy like that. But no she left me have my space to wallow in self pity. And here I am drowning in it. Never felt so shitty in my life. Can't imagine how Vera feels. Vera. I miss her already I've missed her from the moment she turned her back. Even arguing with her is better than this. Silence. I have to tell her. I can't go on like this. I'm a selfish bastard that it's took seeing someone else look at her for me to decide it but I can't help it. I could have gone on harbouring my feeling in secret but all I'm doing is hurting her and god knows it's killing me. I want to hold her. I want to make her smile. I want to kiss her like that. I want her.
Bit late now Alfie she don't wana know. I have to tell her. I'm guna get it over and done with. Even if she picks Harry over me. She deserves the truth. Il go to hers tomorrow and shel have to listen if I'm at her doorstep. God only knows what George is guna do though.. Il take it. I earned every punch I get. I hurt his baby sister. He always said I would. Guess he was right like everyone else. My hands work subconsciously. Dialling her number. It's off. Fuck. Text her? Don't text her? I've being toying with the idea for 20 minutes now. I duno what I would say if she answered but the prospect of writing it down in black and white is scary. I settle for three words. Just three. But they mean so much from me.

'Im sorry cheeks'