𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐭, 𝐛𝐥𝐮𝐞𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐞𝐲𝐞𝐬 » 𝐩 𝐨 𝐞 𝐭 𝐫 𝐲

𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐲, 𝐢 𝐠𝐨𝐭 𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐞𝐬

i tear myself apart and don't put myself back
i say it's a self destruction that i enjoy
i lovingly whisper lullabies of self destruction into my ears
insecurities wrapped softly in the clandestine
of my (fake) confidence
i smile, only for the tears to flow out
again
trying so hard to silence this demon at the back of my mind
i thought monsters hid under my bed for long,
guess they were in my head all along
i watch lovingly as the scarlet oozes out of the lovely cracks that i decorated myself with
these sick affirmations are no use
i used to be so happy, where did it all go wrong?
i want to scream, to cry, to live
but every time i open my mouth, only silent shrieks come out
what happened to me?
shit, i don't even feel like me anymore
i need help, but don't tell em
i stare at the mirror helplessly,
trying to fix my non-existent flaws
swallowing butterflies after butterflies as i try to feel them in my stomach
nouns are becoming verbs and verbs are becoming nouns
my voice hoarse from all the lack of use, hums softly against my larynx
Or perhaps from the lack of water that had been dripping down my eyes, down my cheeks, down my throat
puking my senses out of me
brushing the earthworms
out of my enamel
baring teeth at my own reflection, while blood seeps out of my gums as i drown in red wine
just waiting to faint, to fall and to be captured by the loving hands of death
want my coffin to be decorated beautifully by my putrid corpse
i'm scared how i write my best when i'm at my worst
just like now (sigh)
i'm gray, i'm a monochrome
i feel like my life's everyone's except mine
i’m blabbering so much
someone bring me tissues,
i’m anything but perfect
mommy, i got issues

~pearl