Give Your All to Me

chapter 4

Childe lay in bed, unable to sleep, but unable to get up. He didn't want to get up anyway. He felt awful.

"Ajax...I'm worried," Zhongli whispered softly, sitting near him on their bed. "About you."

Childe didn't move. He only stared up at Zhongli, eyes a dull blue, duller than usual.

"It wasn't your fault," Zhongli whispered, his voice cracking with tears. "Things like this just happen. There's nothing we can do about it."

"Easy for you to say," Childe croaked, his voice scratchy. "You weren't the one whose body rejected our child. It was healthy. There's no reason why it had to...so it must've been me."

"Ajax-"

"No. It's the truth. My body has been fucked up from the beginning. It's not right. Didn't you say I've got Abyss taint on me? Maybe that's why my body rejected our baby. The Abyss kills or distorts everything it touches."

"Ajax, please listen-"

"Maybe this is the best outcome," Childe laughed. His eyes were wide, crazed, with tears forming in them. "Would you have loved me if I gave birth to a creature from the Abyss? Would you kill me? Could you still love me after that? Do...do you still love me...? Even after this...?"

Zhongli drew him into a hug, trembling with sobs. "I'll always love you. Even if our child was an Abyssal creature, even now. My love for you won't ever end. Even if my body breaks from erosion or Celestia strikes me down, I will never stop loving you."

Childe sobbed, that manic energy fading. "Why...why did my baby...!? Why!?"

Childe cried for what seemed to be hours. He couldn't handle the grief of losing this small life, full of promise, seemingly randomly. He couldn't accept that it died for no reason. So he blamed himself. If only he hadn't been reckless. If only he had just accepted the baby from the beginning. If only he'd been more attentive, more nurturing. If only he hadn't cursed at it, and wished for its death.

It was to late for anything to change, but he didn't care.

He wanted to punish himself.

Days turned to weeks. The symptoms of his pregnancy gradually faded, but the hole in his heart remained, gaping, constantly bleeding for his lost son.

Whenever Zhongli would take him out to try get him out of the house, he'd burst into tears whenever he'd see children or a pregnant person. At work, when he felt well enough to actually go, he felt no motivation to fight anything. He just filled out paperwork lethargically.

At home, he spent all his time sleeping. Zhongli had to force him to eat some days, because he wouldn't do it himself. Every day was a struggle. Some days he'd wake up and imagine a life where his baby survived. He dreamed of seeing a little boy, wrapped in that baby blue blanket his mother gave him, gurgling and squealing happily in his arms.

Then he'd remember what happened.

One day, Zhongli dragged him out of the house.

"We're going to see someone about this grief," he stated. "Both of us can't keep going like this."

Childe let himself be dragged. He didn't really care what this person would have to say. He just wanted to rot away.

Before he knew it, he was in Wangsheng Funeral Parlor.

"Zhongli! And Childe! So nice to see both of you! What brings you in?" Hu Tao greeted cheerfully.

"We'd like to take advantage of your grief counseling services," Zhongli said. "We've...experienced a loss."