Autumn in Philadelphia Trilogy

The Return: Interlude: The Space Between

All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why." ~ James Thurber

_____________________________________________________________________________

It was 3:30 A.M. and Shawn had yet to sleep. His mind refused be quiet. Instead it animatedly buzzed with thoughts of his new found family and the precarious position they were in. For hours he lay in the bed that was in the room that had been so painstakingly prepared for him, staring up at the ceiling trying to come up with a solution to his problems yet he found it tremendously difficult to focus. From the moment he realized there was a problem between Jon and Audrey, there had been a singular Question darting about his subconscious, nipping and growling at him to be given attention with. Thus far, Shawn had been able to ignore it. But now, in the still darkness of his room, that persistent Query perched itself on the forefront of his thoughts and refused to budge.

Why am I here now?

A breath behind the Question was the Answer. That Answer that made no sense to Shawn. He tried to reason it away as foolishness, but the Answer would not leave him alone anymore that the Question would and it sat itself neatly next the Question, firmly planted and defiant.

Because they need you.

In all of his life, the moments that Shawn felt needed were fleeting. All of those moments were in the Past. The Past was not a place he liked to revisit. The Past, though it contained many good and wonderful moments, contained many more dark labyrinths. Those labyrinths all harnessed the power of multiple black holes that would trap him in their force fields and drag him down into the abyss taking with it all those good and wonderful moments and the joy that went with them and shred them and him apart. But in those reckless moments when he allowed himself to take very brief visits to his childhood, he could not remember a moment when he was really and truly needed for who he was and what he had to offer. He did not feel as if it was he himself who ever made the difference in any of the instances that he felt needed. It was simply that someone was required and he happened to be there. He never felt as though he was the best person to fill the need or even the one who was supposed to; he just simply happened to be in the wrong the place at the right time. This was the feeling that Shawn had concerning Maya and was the reason he struggled to see himself as a permanent fixture in her life regardless of what he wanted.

The Shawn Hunter she wanted was a fictional character. He was created through Cory's oft exaggerated stories and grown by the girl's imagination. He was not real. He did not exist. At any point before his actual arrival, someone could have pointed to a random man on the street and said to Maya, "that is Shawn Hunter" and her love and devotion would have been fixated on that man. Even if he, the real Shawn Hunter, were then to immediately walk up to her and introduce himself, she would have rejected him, having already filled his place with another. It just happened that he was the one to be introduced to her as Shawn Hunter. He was simply in the wrong place at the right time.

As for Cory? They had been friends for so long that by their teenage years they did indeed need each other often as they struggled through the growing up experience. But was it Shawn Hunter that Cory Matthews really needed or was simply that Cory needed a best friend to grow up with and Shawn was the one there? When they were young, there had been a third member of their group. It was not Topanga then as the boys were in the midst of their "girls are gross" stage, Cory in particular. What was that kid's name? He could see his face but couldn't recall his name. This third member ultimately disappeared for reasons unknown to them, but had he stayed would Shawn have been the one to be Cory's best friend, his brother? Or would Cory have chosen the one whose name he couldn't remember? Was Shawn the chosen one because he was the one Cory needed? Or was it because he was the one who was left? Was this another case of being in the wrong place at the right time?

It was a question that would never be answered.

Shawn's mind drifted back to the how his family, the one he was with now, began. It was undeniable that he needed Jon. In truth, Jon was the only person back then who could have handled Shawn the way he was. No one, not Mr. Matthews, not Mr. Feeny, certainly not anyone from his trailer park family could have replaced Jon in his life. No one else could have done what Jon did for him. Yet in spite of that, they still often struggled with their new found roles and trying to merge their very distinct lives, even with help from Mr. Matthews and Mr. Feeny. That help could not do what Audrey did and bring the missing balance and peace to their lives that she brought. Jon was safety and discipline. Audrey was peace and love. But what was Shawn? Did Jon need him? Did Audrey? Jon needed Audrey, there was no questioning that. Audrey needed Jon. Shawn needed them both. Shawn was trouble and frustration, worry, and sleepless nights. No one needed or wanted those things; they were already a by-product of living.

Shawn sighed as he thought about the irreplaceables in his life: Cory, Jon, Audrey, Mr. Feeny, the Matthews.

What about him? He was replaced often wasn't he? Shawn shifted uncomfortably in his bed suddenly feeling as though the ceiling and the walls were too close for comfort and the room too hot. Julia suddenly came to mind.

Unlike Maya, the Turner kids had not grown up with exaggerated stories of a fictional Shawn Hunter. Rather they had made up stories about him only to explain his absence from the family as children are apt to do with estranged loved ones. There was no one who could be introduced to them in his place. No one could point to some random man on the street and convince them that he was Shawn Hunter. If someone had tried to do so Julia, Grayson, and Jamie would have ignored them for they knew better. It was not possible for anyone other than himself to be their oldest brother. This hit him so hard it made him wince in physical pain.

Never in his life had Shawn been irreplaceable.

Cory would no doubt argue this, but the truth was that ever since he had chosen to marry Topanga and taken her as his wife and best friend, he had been replaced. Not fully of course, Cory was too loyal to do that. But those vows had forever altered their friendship. They had to and Shawn no longer held any bitterness over it. The change was difficult, painful even, but necessary. That friendship held fast as the years went by and survived Shawn's vagabond life, but now that he was back, his presence did not affect his best friend's established life. Shawn was wanted but not needed.

What did this mean now that he was home? He was wanted, yes. But was he needed? Initially, Shawn didn't think it was possible his presence could affect much. As the weeks passed, he saw that Jon and Audrey needed someone to intervene in some way. He saw that Julia needed someone to help her work through this dangerous patch in their family's life. Was this another instance of him being in the wrong place at the right time? Being in the right place at the wrong time?

Why am I here now?

When Jon chose him all those years ago; when Audrey chose him as she became a part of Jon's life: did they do it because they needed him? Wanted him? Both? When he left them behind to wander his own personal desert, they could have shut the door and not looked back. Why didn't they? Why did they keep a room just for him for so long?

In the clarity of the early morning hour, understanding struck him with deep resonance: there was no one who take his place in this matter. There was no one else that could complete this family because there was no one missing but him. There was no one else who could be the older brother Julia needed because there was no other older brother but him. Some random man on the street could not claim he was Shawn Hunter and be able to make everything run along smoothly. Cory could not do this nor could Eric or Mr. Feeny or Eli.

Because they need you.

It wasn't even that he was the best person for the job; he was the only person for this moment.

To be the only one capable of an undertaking such a enormous task brought with it a new set of challenges and fear. And a deep sense of responsibility. It was overwhelming and Shawn wasn't sure he was equipped for the job. Doubt screamed at him that he would fail in this as he had with Angela and others. Shawn stared up at the ceiling. Through the roar of doubt rose an intense swell of renewed focus and fresh purpose. He knew why he was here and what he had to do. With new found courage, Shawn determined with everything that was within him that he would see this through to the end, whatever that might be.

Some time, just before twilight, Shawn Hunter fell into a deep, peaceful slumber.

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." ― Douglas Adams