Autumn in Philadelphia Trilogy

Saudade: Prologue

AN: Thanks to Naty's Bookshelf for the explanation of saudade

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"I hate the spring. I prefer the autumn."

"Why?" Mom asked. "Spring is when everything begins again. Autumn is the coming of winter and cold."

I turned away from the window to look at her. She stood at the kitchen island spicing the delicious concoction she was preparing.

I have traveled the world and I can honestly say my mother is the best cook there is.

"Autumn brought us you," I told her. "Spring took you away. It tried to take Dad away, too. Nothin' good happens in spring.

My mother threw a medley of chopped vegetables into her stew. A smile danced on her lips. "It was spring when Jon took you in."

That was true. It was May when Dad offered me a roof and a window to climb out of.

Five stories up.

"This spring will be different," she went on. "You'll see."

"How do you know?"

She stopped what she was doing and looked at me. Her gray eyes were brimming with affection. "Because you're home."

This was a conversation I had with my mother, Audrey, a month before the events that brought us to Lenox Health Emergency Department where my dad was recovering from a collapse.

We were supposed to return to Philadelphia to revisit the springs that had brought so much grief and heartache. Dad and I were supposed to deal with the past that drove us to an almost twenty-year estrangement.

For years, I refused to look back, to remember. I did everything I could to forget that things ended so painfully for the three of us. However, there were good things that happened back then, too. Wonderful things that would come back to me late at night and in my dreams. Things I desperately wanted to go back to and relive. So much so that I refused most contact with my dad for fear that reality would destroy those memories and the hope for the life I wanted so badly, then and now.

I have never been able to put into words the longing for that time and my parents.

During my running years, I traveled the world for my blog, Hit the Road. Two of the places I stayed for several weeks were Faro, Portugal and Recife, Brazil. In both places I encountered this word: saudade.

If you look it up online, Wikipedia will tell you that saudade is "a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for something or someone that one cares for and/or loves. Moreover, it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never be had again.

"It is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places, or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, and well-being, which now trigger the senses and make one experience the pain of separation from those joyous sensations."

This word stuck with me through my travels. Whenever those memories returned, this word came with them.

During my time in Recife, I learned that there was another meaning for saudade. Or rather it was the real meaning I learned.

A friend of a friend who came with me on my photoshoots told me that saudade isn't quite as romantic as it is defined. While there is no English word of equivalent meaning, "I miss you" is close.

I found that to be oddly disappointing until my friend explained that saudade conveys much a deeper longing than our simple "I miss you".

Saudade.

Now that I've been home almost three months, this word, as my friend describes it, accurately conveys my feelings when I tell my mother or siblings that I missed them, even if I just saw them a few hours before. It accurately conveys my feelings for my father who is asleep in the room I'm writing this in.

In the months that I've been home, I've spent a lot of time reliving the good times I had with my parents as a teenager, and I find myself burdened with an even deeper longing to go back to those times.

A longing so deep it hurts.

The definition of saudade my friend gave me no longer fits as I look back on Philadelphia, the Matthews' house, Dad's apartment, and all the memories we made there.

The first definition, the one I found on Wikipedia, captures my feelings much better.

Is there a better word out there in a language I have yet to discover? One that does fully mean what Wikipedia says saudade does?

Maybe.

Maybe you, my readers, know.

For now, I have no other words to cover my feelings about home, my childhood with Jon and Audrey, and my family.

I won't be updating the blog for the next two weeks. My family needs me and I need them.

Thank you for all the kind words and memories you've left about my dad on my previous posts. Mom, Dad, and I are slowly working our way through them all. They are much appreciated.

I'll see you when I get back.

-Shawn Hunter

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Shawn stared at his computer screen lost in thought. Eventually he ran the editor function on his document then uploaded the article to NYC Lifestyle for their approval.

He closed the laptop and set it to the side. Stretching, he stood and walked over to the window. There wasn't much to see but the parking lot crowded with cars.

Three hours.

Three hours Jon had been in the hospital and there was no word from Audrey.

Julia texted him asking which hospital their father was at. He texted her back with the name. When asked about their mother all she said was "busy".

He wasn't as upset about this as he thought he would be.

Busy.

Of course, she was.

She couldn't bring four kids to the hospital. There was no doubt there was much she had to get in order before she came down. He knew her well enough to know that once she got here, she would not leave.

And there was no reason for her to rush anyway. Jon was not alone.

Shawn turned and walked over to the bed.

His father looked up at him and gave him a weary smile. "Turn the TV off would ya? I hate daytime television so much."

Shawn grinned and picked up the TV remote. He looked at Jon and was overcome with a wave of emotion that made him unsteady on his feet.

He couldn't find the words to tell him how much he missed him, how deeply he missed him. Now and then. Throughout the years, but especially now even though he was in the same room with him.

Saudade.

That was the word.

Saudade.

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Many thanks for reading. Your thoughts are always welcomed and appreciated.