Never Have I Ever

Fifth Shot

Kari

(One Year Later)

"I'm getting married!" Ashley's pearly white teeth gleamed at my Macbook's screen along with the big diamond rock on her left hand while the four of us were on FaceTime.

"Congratulations, A!" Majoy gushed like a proud mother.

"Looks like you're finally settling down, Ash. 'Grats, couz. " Reese said while holding a glass of water to the screen as if for a toast.

"Congratulations, Ash. I'm happy for you." I answered last and tried my hardest to display a sincere smile. Even if I am happy for my best friend, I can't say the same about weddings in general. I've grown officially allergic to them.

The three of them were intently looking at me as if observing my every move and I know it's because they're well-aware of my situation. It's been 1 year or technically 367 days, 13 hours, 21 minutes and 2 seconds since I swore to never fall in love again. Not that I was counting or anything.

"So when's the wedding? Where will you have it?" I tried to show interest even if I might jump off a cliff before attending one. Ipagawa niyo na lang lahat sa akin, huwag lang umattend ng kasal kasi ikakamatay ko talaga yun ng buhay.

"It's next month, May 4th, and we want to hold it in the Hamptons." New York? Putik, ang layo.

"Will you guys be there?" I know very damn well that was more directed at me rather than everyone else.

"Of course, we will! I'll tell Franz to adjust his schedule." Majoy instantly replied and since she's in Chicago, it'd be easier for her to get there. She's been living there with her twins and husband after I suddenly went off the grid last year.

"My wife and I will be there for sure." Reese actually got married last year with her long-time girlfriend—as the proud lesbian of the squad—but I was in Antarctica that time so I got excused.

"And Kari?" Shit. Ash was waiting for my reply and I know I've missed too many gatherings that could be forgiven since I've been purposely avoiding them like the plague. Heck, I wasn't able to show my face to them—virtually—until last month when I came back to the Philippines to sell my supposed 'newly wedded home'. Tangina, na-hot seat pa ko ng di oras nito.

"I..I'll be there. I'll try." I can't make any promises since I don't even know what to do with my life anymore. All the plans I've built for years went catapult last year.

"Really?" Ash's light blue eyes sparkled and I nodded, feeling like someone was holding a gun to my throat.

"Really." Halata kaya na pilit lang yung ngiti ko?

"Then would you do me a favour?" I want to say no but I can't do this to my best friends. They've been really patient with me so I'd like to avoid being more of a disappointment than I already am.

"Sure. What is it?" Can there be a sudden blackout in Makati right this instant? I badly need an excuse to leave this video call or else, I'll look more like a constipated piece of shit. Di ko alam kung natatae ba ko o nasusuka.

"I want you to be my maid of honour." Puta, ano raw? I think you should just ask me to die, Ash, that'd be less painful and easier to do.

I tried to keep my expression neutral, "Can you give me some time to think about it?" I need a Starbucks run after this. Kape lang ang sagot sa lahat ng problema ngayon.

"Of course. But I hope guys can come here for the engagement party next week. Eli and I will book the tickets to make it easier for everyone." Or more like to ensure that I go there and not run away. After all, I hate wasting money more than anyone here. Wala na ba kong takas?

"Is that okay?" Ash asked and everyone nodded in unison including me.

"Great! See you all in the Big Apple! I can't wait!" She smiled and waved goodbye. When the call ended, I finally got to breathe.

I might as well go to the gym again after drowning myself in caffeine.

~*~*~*~

"Kari? Is there something wrong?" Thank God, my therapist named Cupid—believe it or not that's her real name—accepted my request for a video call on FaceTime at like 1:30 p.m. PST yet 12:30 a.m. in Canada.

"Uh..sorry to bother you, doc but I badly needed a pep talk." She was the only person who knew everything. I accidentally met her during one of my visits to Canada last year and made me realize I needed therapy after being in denial for so long. Hence, the random stranger who I poured my heart out in Montreal over drinks became my on-call therapist.

"It's no bother at all, Kari. Are you faring well there in the Philippines?" This is one of the best things that I love about her. She was like a mother figure that I needed all these years. And even if she was technically retiring this year because she was over 60, she still assures me that I can contact her whenever I see it necessary.

"Yes, I'm doing fine." I tried to steady my breathing since I practically ran to Starbucks after the call with my friends. It was around a 30-minute walk from my condo.

She stayed quiet and looked at me with those warm hazel eyes, waiting for me to continue, "But I have a problem. Or more like a dilemma of some sort. One of my best friends from college, you know Ashley?" She nodded to confirm. She knows everyone in my life even if she hasn't met any of them personally.

"She's getting married and wants me to be her maid of honour." I don't know how she took it but she looks really still as if she doesn't know how much weddings literally haunt me in my sleep.

"Did you agree?" She knows the answer to that yet asks it anyway. I took a sip of my ultra-sweet Mocha Frappuccino before going on.

"I said that I'll think about it even if I badly wanted to say a flat no." I don't think I can handle it yet without falling apart. Just when I thought that I am finally getting myself together, things are spiralling out of my control again. When will this painful cycle end?

"Don't you think it might be time, Kari?" My brows arched. Is the caffeine finally kicking in my system?

"Time for what? To go berserk at a wedding?" I tried to hide my anger but Grandma Cupid knows that I'm about to throw a fit. Why can't she tell me that it's ok to run away like always? Pati ba naman siya, pipilitin ako?

"Kari. Karina Louise, listen to me." Albeit, her words are calming but my heart is beating out of my chest in protest. It took every respect I have for her to not throw away my Macbook in objection to her words.

"You know what's the best way to conquer fear? It's to face it. It's about time to face your fear of weddings and show that son of a gun who will never be named that you are all better now. It's the best revenge that you can give him." Face my fears? I can't even face myself in the mirror without smashing it into bits.

However, seeing her curse him under her breath made me smile a little. It was nice seeing someone else hate the man that made me feel pain in the worst way possible.

"But what if I break?"

"Then you can pick up the pieces again one by one. I'll help you out, dearest." She assures me that I won't be alone in this battle even if it means losing all the progress that I've made in months.

"Do I really have to do this?" I asked again, thinking she might change her mind. She was always the best person to turn to for advice but I'm not sure if I should follow her this time or not. Pwede bang tumanggap sila ng ayoko?

She stood her ground—ano ba yan—and recited another one of her daily philosophical quotes, "The best way to overcome anything is by going through it and not running away, Kari. You're the bravest girl I know so you can definitely handle this." I wanted to take a sip of my drink again but it was empty already. Kailan ko ba 'to naubos?

"I believe in you." I hope I can say the same thing to myself, doc.