Never Have I Ever

Thirty-Seventh Shot

Kari

Losing my parents at a tender age was, to say the least, life-shattering. Nothing could possibly prepare you for what happens next. My life 'after' their accident was like time moved forward for everyone else while I was stuck in place. I may be breathing but honestly, I didn't feel alive at that time. In every waking moment, I had to function with a part of me missing and no matter what I did, nothing and no one could possibly fill it.

I can't even remember exactly what happened. All I knew was that I was in school and both He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and I were told to go to the hospital. When we got there, both of our parents have already passed. I'm not sure if I cried that time or did I pass out but I recall staring into nowhere and wishing that I could forget everything.

Since I couldn't stomach the fact that they were gone, I hardly visited my parent's graves. It was as if I'd vomit all my emotions out of my system if I let the grief take over. So I held it all in. Although to everyone else, it seemed like I moved on since I went about my routine like usual. But I was a robot on autopilot.

But I really tried to feel better. Tangina, ako pa ba? I put my utmost effort into not letting my sorrow eat me alive. After all, someone might have it worse than I do, diba? The thought that someone might be more miserable than I was somehow kept me going, as awful as that sounded. Masama nga siguro talaga akong tao.

So I stayed at the Angels Orphanage afterward because I had nowhere else to go. Living there was a daily reminder that I was alone but at the same time, I was surrounded by people who were in a similar situation as mine.

Sometimes, they went through far worse than I did like being abandoned on a front door step even if they were only months old. I'd also witness kids younger than me getting sent back, being neglected, and having no one to lean on. And well, misery indeed needed company. So I made a promise to be there for them as if it was my life's purpose. It was my final resolve to get myself together.

I stood on my own two shaking feet and became the adult that most of us craved. The Ate that everyone needed to look up to. I took care of everyone until I turned 18. When I got the opportunity to leave, I wanted to be selfish for once and so I did and never turned back.

Looking back, I do feel bad about abandoning them because I wasn't any better than the people who left them but I also came to a realization. While I was busy looking after everyone else, the most important question was hanging in my head: What about me? Who took care of me? No one did.

Despite how my godforsaken ex was my side through the worst, it was always me holding onto the anchor and keeping everything in place. He wasn't someone I couldn't lean on. Even he expected that I got it all handled.

But this all changed when Calix crashed into my life. Getting to talk to him about my past made me realize that it might not be so bad to revisit that sore subject and finally, have this putang closure once and for all.

~*~*~*~

"So? What's it like officially dating Mr. Wright?" BJ immediately asked the most burning question when the three of us were in another FaceTime around nine in the morning here in New York.

It's already January 1st and they've been itching for more details since I mentioned once that 'my friend' has finally confessed her feelings.

Buti na lang, Calix went out for a bit so he couldn't overhear our conversation. I wouldn't want him to witness this because it's embarassing. Oo, marunong naman akong mahiya nuh.

Instead of answering BJ's question, the memory of earlier's New Year's Eve flashed instantly in my mind. Similar to Christmas, we waited till the clock stroke twelve and watched a magnificent firework display.