A Grip On Reality (Destiel AU)

Unfathomable Desires

I finally told someone about Balthie. It was difficult for me, but I did it. Despite all that happened between us, I missed that boy.

"Oh," Dean murmured. "So you had a crush on a boy."

I nodded. "A super mega ultra crush, more like."

"So what happened?"

"Told him how I felt. Biggest fucking mistake of my life. I guess it was better than how it went with... er, someone else." I cut off the chick flick moment before things got too sappy.

"Sorry to hear that."

"Well, we were still friends. He... didn't think it was weird. I was just so lucky for that."

"Well that's good, right?"

"Not actually. If anything, it... made everything worse. It made me... want him... so much more. And y'know something? I blame you for that, Dean."

"Wait, what?"

"I blame you. Our breakup, it just... ruined me for feeling that way toward anyone ever again. But I felt it toward Balthie, and I think it was just my mind's way of getting over you."

"Cas... I'm sorry, okay? I am above and beyond sorry for everything that happened."

"Well you should be!" I snapped, standing up to face him. "The reason I left? It had nothing to do with you! Nothing to do with you or Ohio or "unresolved issues", like every damn therapist in the fucking planet seems to think! It was Balthie! I mean, Balthazar! I don't fucking know. I became obsessed with him, Dean! I was this... fucking stalker that couldn't think about anything or anyone else but him! I... I imagined scenarios where we were together! When I was in bed at night, I'd imagine him with me, and we were happy. I mean... his 'image' helped me take my fucking OGT tests. And don't ask what those are, they're fucking stupid."

"Cas... I'm sorry. I really am. But it wasn't me who caused you to become obsessed with this boy."

"You might as well have."

"Cas-"

"No!" I cut him off. "I didn't want to become obsessed. I just - I wanted these feeling to go away!" My voice cracked a little, tears threatening to spill. "If anything, I wished that it was a simple crush, not an obsession. I... I thought he was... amazing. I wanted to be friends. I wanted to be more. I just... I wanted to stop picturing him with me when I was in the fucking shower!"

"I know, that must've been hard for you."

"You can't possibly fucking know," I growled. "I was in hell. I completely broke. I was about to drown myself or some shit. You. Can't. Know."

"I'm sorry, Cas, I really am-"

"Stop saying you're fucking sorry, Dean!"

"Well I am, Cas!"

"I don't need apologies. I need something a whole lot fucking better. I wish I knew what that was, but I don't."

He sighed. "I... I'm going out to get food." He got up to leave without another word, leaving me with my thoughts.

My dark, twisted thoughts.

My awful, morbid thoughts.

My bloody, self-harmful thoughts.

But mostly? My Balthie thoughts.

._.__._.

I was pretty good friends with Balthazar at this point. We talked quite a bit, and... he seemed to just love, love, love his girlfriend.