A Grip On Reality (Destiel AU)

Obsession Turned Violent

There was nothing I could've done. I hated myself for what I was being forced to do, but I couldn't stop myself. This was the only form of peace. Closure.

I tracked him down after school. This was it. I just couldn't believe I was actually doing this. I managed to knock him unconscious and get him into his own car without being noticed. I got in the driver's seat and fired up the engine. I was a semi-decent driver, so hopefully this would go well.

I drove us to the middle of nowhere. I pulled over to the side of the road and looked over at Balthazar, who was still unconscious. I smiled to myself. Not because I was happy, but because I went mad.

I stroked my fingers through his hair, embracing every touch. His hair was so soft, I never wanted to stop touching it. I'd never stop. I'd keep him out there with me forever and ever. I'd do anything to make him love me.

I knew I was crazy, but I didn't care. I was crazy for Balthie. We would be happy together. I'd make him see. I'd make him love me for everything I was. Everything we could be. And if he didn't see that? Well, what are handcuffs for, right?

He groaned softly, easing into consciousness. He took one look at me and fear settled in his eyes. He had reason, I suppose. But I'd replace that fear with love and adoration soon enough.

"Cas," He whispered breathily. "What are you doing?"

I laughed hysterically like I seemed to often do those days. "I'm gonna make you love me."

"Cas, I'm sorry that I don't have feelings for you, but I'm straight! There's no changing that!"

"Y'know," I spoke casually as though this were a normal conversation. "I was straight too, until high school. And I mean, first day of freshman year, I said to myself, 'Hey, he's kinda cute this year. That's kinda weird, isn't it?' And the boy I fell for? Pretty damn close friend. Until I told him about how I felt."

"I'm sorry." He spoke shakily.

"You should be!" I snapped. "You high and mighty boys who earn the respect of all the ladies. You don't seem to appreciate the more gay attention you receive. I can't fight it, Balthie. You sure as hell can't."

I pressed our lips together, Balthazar struggling in my grasp. We separated, and I couldn't help but smile. "Wow. My first kiss. Thought it'd be more magical, but it'll do. Me and Dean never kissed. We hardly got to see each other. His parents were homophobes. What about your parents?"

"This is about Dean, isn't it?"

I took in a deep breath. "Shut up." I muttered.

"Cas, I'm sorry about your breakup. I truly am. But this, what you're doing right now, it's not going to help."

I sighed, looking him in the eyes. "Well, it's worth a try."

._.__._.

"The things I did to him..." I fought tears as I remembered the look of fear on his face. "I'm a monster, Dean."

"You were in pain," Dean tried to make me feel better. "You didn't know what to do."

"I could've gotten over myself," I looked over at him as a small tear made it last my eyelids. "I could've moved on. I could've forgotten."

"It's not that easy, Cas."

"Well, I could've tried! A lot better than the alternative I had in mind. Involving a bullet lodged in my brain."

"Don't talk like that, Cas."

"Well I sure as hell thought like that." I murmured.

"Why you gotta be like that, Cas? There are people out there who love you."

"And you're not one of them. That's the point."

"Dammit, Cas. I don't wanna see you like this."

"He's telling the truth." Erica spoke up from behind me. I nearly turned around to look at her, but what was the point? She was just a voice in my head. An illusion.

"Dean... what's done is done. I can't change that, and neither can you, or Erica."

"Who's Erica?"

"My..." I wanted to say voice, but I didn't. "My therapist. One of many. She, just like all the others, thought that she could... I dunno, fix me. But there's just too much damage."

"There's never too much damage. Please, Cas, just let me help you."

"Help with what?" I shot back.

"Help with whatever it is you've got on your mind. I don't wanna see you like this, man."

"You shoulda thought about that before you broke my heart." I growled.

Dean sighed. "Cas-"

"Don't start with me, Dean!" I looked him dead in the eye. "It's too late for me! Do you even know what sort of things I did to him? I... I raped him, Dean! Because I was hurting!"

Dean seemed shocked, and he had every reason to be. "Cas... y-you did what?"

"You heard me right. You know how many charges I have in Ohio? Rape, kidnapping, assault, attempted murder! The last one was the result of a huge misunderstanding, but I can see why they would think it was a murder attempt."

"Cas... this is bad."

"Gee, ya think?" I shot back sarcastically.

"Is that why you've been going around all over the country? Is that why you wanted to come here to freaking Canada?"

"Actually, Canada was an on-the-spot decision."

"Cas, you need to deal with this."

"How?" I asked. "What, you want me to turn myself in? Go to the cops and say, "Hey, I'm a notorious criminal. Take me away, officers!'"

Dean sighed deeply. "I don't know. I do know that this is really deep shit you've gotten yourself into."

I shrugged. "No big. Say, you think this is why those demons wanna drag me to hell so badly?"

"I don't know why they wanna drag you down, now one problem at a time!"

"Fine. Which one do you wanna start with?"