A Grip On Reality (Destiel AU)

The Worst Thing Is To Stay

I thought it was the afterlife.

Blinding white light, the strange feeling of weightlessness. I thought it was the afterlife.

But it sadly wasn't.

I looked all around me, barely keeping my eyes open. It was a hospital. The exact opposite of what I wanted. I wanted to die. Why can't I just fucking die?

"Wha... what's goin' on?" I mumbled weakly.

Jody was suddenly standing over me. "Hey, are you okay? I found you in... the bathroom like that and I just...-"

"'M fine. I... wanna die. Jus' lemme die." I couldn't even form proper words.

"That's not gonna happen, you hear me? You are not gonna die. Not on my watch."

"Why you care?"

"You don't deserve this. Whatever's going on, we can help you through it. You are not alone."

The corner of my mouth twitched upward. "Was that a... Doctor Who reference?"

She grinned. "Caught that, huh?"

"Love Doctor Who. S'great. Fuckin' awesome. You... you watch it too?"

"Yeah. I mean... David Tennant's hot, Matt Smith is adorable, they travel through time and space, what's not to love?"

I almost laughed at that, but I still felt like shit. Which could've been easily avoided had Jody left me to die. I could be dead right now, where I belong. There's nothing here for me. Nothing.

I sighed and closed my eyes. "Tired."

"You should get some rest. But... can I ask you something?"

"Wha?" I couldn't even finish the word.

"Who's... Dean?"

I choked back a sob, which she seemed to notice. She put her hand on my shoulder.

"What's wrong?"

"How... how'd you-"

"You were mumbling it while you were out. Who is he?"

"Took... my sunshine 'way."

She soon left so I could get some sleep. I only nodded off just so I could wake back up five minutes later. And it took me at least fifteen to thirty minutes to go to sleep, so it was just an overall pain in the ass.

My picture was left on the bedside table. I held it close to me, trying not to cry. He left a big hole in my heart that I simply couldn't fill. He ruined my life, but I knew some part of me still loved him like crazy.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

You make me happy when skies are grey.

You never know, dear, how much I love you.

Please don't take my sunshine away."

I would sob this for hours on end. I was in pain in every conceivable way. My heart was broken. It was just shattered.

I eventually cried myself to sleep. It was a blissfully dreamless sleep, in which I could pretend to be dead. But I knew I would wake up again, simply because the universe hates me.

I slowly drifted back into consciousness about an hour later. The first thing I saw was a very familiar face.

"Shit." I mumbled.

He chuckled quietly. "Hello to you too. You know you were snoring. It was... kinda cute."

"What the fuck are you doin' here, Dean?" I asked harshly.

"I heard about... the incident. With the cutting. Are you okay?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm fuckin' fantastic, why would you give a shit?" I hated treating him like this, but to be honest, I was pissed.

"Cas, I don't wanna see you so upset. Can we just forget about the past for a minute? Please?"

"I don't know that I can, Dean. You broke me! You destroyed me, you son of a bitch!"

"Cas... I'm sorry. Okay? I am so sorry. I just... I thought I liked you. I did. But...-"

"But what, you heartless shit?"

"But... it was just as a friend. I... I didn't love you. I just tricked myself into believing that I did."

"Are you tryin'a make me feel better? Cause it's not fuckin' working!"

"Cas, I know you're pissed, but can you just calm the fuck down for two minutes!"

"Why should I? I gave you my heart and you crushed it, you fucker!"

"Come on, Cas-"

"No! No, Dean! I've had it! I'm done! You can go to hell! I... I thought I could be me around you. You brought out my sensitive side. The sensitive, caring side that I kept to myself. You brought me out of my shell just so you could crush me like a bug!"

"I know. And it wasn't fair of me to dump you like that. It wasn't fair of me to tell you I liked you. C'mon, I'm trying to apologize here, man."

"Piss poor job so far."

"Cas... did I cause all of this? The... the cutting? The rebellion?"

"The drugs. Oh, yeah. Crack, pot, even just a bit of heroine. The drinking. The smoking. The sleeping around." The hunting.

"Cas... I didn't realize that I fucked your life up that bad. I mean... drugs? Alcohol? That's not the Castiel Novak I remember."

"The Castiel you knew is gone. My name is Z."

"Z?"

"Fuck yeah. Whole new me. And you know what? Kiss. My. Ass."

"This isn't you, Cas. I know you. I know you know better than this."

"You think you know me? You know nothing."

"I know that you're one of the sweetest guys I've ever met."

"Wrong!"

"I know that your favorite color is green."

"Not anymore! Back in black, bitch."

"I know that your favorite animal is the koala."

"Incorrect! Now it's the vampire bat. Three strikes. Get. The. Fuck. Out."

"Cas, this is not you! I know you! I know you, Cas! Baby..." A tear trickled down his cheek. "I'm amazed by you."

I sneered up at him. How dare he think he can waltz in here and butter me up with his words? I would never go back, no matter how much my heart yearned for him.

"Get. Out."

He soon gave up and left, leaving me sobbing into my pillow. I felt actual tears soaking into the pillow. My first real tears since December of 2014. It's usually just crying with dry tear ducts. But now, I was well and truly broken.

Why can't I just fucking die already?

What's the point anymore?

What was my purpose? Do I even have one?

I didn't need Dean. I didn't need anyone. I just needed my monster. My hideous, beautiful monster. I wanted to get so high, I'd never come back down.

I knew I couldn't stay in this damn hospital. I had a sinking feeling that one of these "doctors" or "nurses" was a demon trying to drag me to hell.

I still didn't know why I was so fucking important. Why did hell want my head on a plate?

Maybe that's where I belonged. Nothing could be worse than this. Not even hell.

You can get laid in hell, right?

Oh god. To spend eternity without pleasure. No wonder it was called hell.

I eventually managed to cry myself to sleep, where I could pretend to be dead again.