A Grip On Reality (Destiel AU)

Can't Come Down

I saw Erica standing before me. The stern look on her face indicated a not-so-pleasant conversation.

"You are such a fool, Castiel."

"Yeah? What of it?" I deadpanned.

"The drugs, the drinking, the smoking, it is killing you, Castiel. Even if you don't feel it."

"So? Since when do I care whether or not I die?"

"You may not care, but Dean does. He cares more than you think."

I sighed deeply. "No. He doesn't. He left me!"

"You know he wasn't ready for such a long term relationship."

I huffed a laugh. "Long term? It wasn't even two months! Yeah, no, mid October to very early December. Not quite two months, no."

"It was more than he ever experienced before. He loved you, Castiel. And I'm sure there's some part of you that loves him right back."

"You're wrong, Erica. Both times. He doesn't love me, and I sure as fuck don't love him."

"Castiel, I'm inside your mind. I know the way you feel."

I scoffed. "You don't know jack squat. I hate him! And I always will! See, that's the way breakups work, they hate each other. End of story."

"That's not always the case, and you know it."

"Well, it's true in this case."

I began to look around, and I realized where we were. Back in my old gym in Virginia. At school. The night of the homecoming dance. The very night Dean and I met.

"What is this? Did you do this?"

"No. This is entirely your subconscious. I had nothing to do with it."

I looked all over the room until I saw Dean and I, slow dancing to that Lonestar song. I looked so happy. We both did. To be honest, I missed those days. Back when everything was so clear. Nothing but black and white, with no grey areas. And, looking at my life now, it looks like there are about fifty shades of grey in my life.

"I want to love him," I admitted. "But he doesn't love me."

"He was just unprepared, Castiel. He loved you, and he didn't know what to do with it."

I contemplated her words as I watched myself dance with Dean. Such happy times, that I would miss. I could never be that happy again. I could never be filled with true bliss as I was that night. Because Dean was my first love.

And your first love is someone you never forget.

._.__._.

I awoke in a daze, for a moment unsure of my own name. I wasn't sure what was going on, until everything came back to me. Dean, Canada, high, then blech. It was like a hangover.

I groaned, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. "Oww."

"How you feeling, Cas?" I heard Dean ask.

"Fuck you."

"What the hell were you thinking?"

"Don't you condescend me, you fucker."

"Cas," Dean sighed. "I found you in that alley. I thought you were dead, man. What the fuck were you thinking?"

"I don't need this shit from you."

He sighed again. "Dammit, Cas! What the hell is wrong? What's going on? What made you... why did you want to get high?"

I sighed deeply. "Because... I wanted to. You know that thing called 'a free country'? We live in one!"

"That doesn't give you the right to get high."

"It oughta."

He groaned, obviously tired of all this. "I only want what's best for you, Cas. I know it may not seem like it, but it's true."

"Well I wanted to never see you again. Oops."

"Cas... I'm having a tough time believing that I caused all this. No, there's more to the story, isn't there?"

I sighed again, not wanting to hear this. "The story that I don't wanna tell."

"C'mon Cas. Talk to me," I felt him sit beside me on the bed. "What happened?"

I didn't bother opening my eyes. It felt like too much effort. "Balthazar."

"What about him?"

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"Well, you're going to. Now what happened, Cas?"

I sighed softly, turning my head away from him. "Just... leave me alone. For the love of god, leave me alone."

There was a few moments of silence until I felt him get off the bed, hearing him walk away. I couldn't bear to even think about what I did to Balthie, much less talk about it. I was nothing but a fool for what I did. I hated myself for it. I could never forgive myself. What I did was unforgivable.

I tried to make him love me back.

"I get high to fight the pain." I murmured.

"What?" Dean asked.

"It's the only way. Getting high makes it better."

"Cas," He sighed. "Getting high does nothing. It solves nothing. All it does is make you feel like shit in the morning."

"Well, the pain distracts from the pain. I'd rather think about anything but... hell, anything."

"Cas... I don't know how many times I gotta tell you I'm sorry, but I am. I'm sorry for everything that happened all those years ago. I don't know what it'll take for you to forgive me, if you ever even will, but... just know that I'm sorry."

I scoffed. "Wow. What're we gonna do now? Join hands and sing Kumbaya?"

He sighed deeply. "You are unbelievable. You really are."

"I really am."

"Do you have any idea how difficult it was for me breaking up with you? I really cared about you, whether you believe that or not, but I wasn't ready!"

I finally opened my eyes, sitting up and looking at Dean. "Wasn't ready for what? Having someone genuinely care about you? Because I did! I cared about you so fucking much! I even loved you, Dean! So if you weren't ready for that, well, that must've been tough for you!"

"I wasn't ready for commitment, Cas! I wanted to be ready, god knows I did, but I wasn't!"

"Dean, we were dating! We're not supposed to break up over this shit! We're supposed to work through it like a team, y'know? I thought we were a team! We don't break up over little things! We... we form a plan. A strategy. We figure everything out. We don't just give up on us. We try to form a battle plan and work our way through, that's how relationships work, Dean!"

We both stopped to catch our breath. This whole thing was putting a strain on the two of us. I couldn't help but hate him, but some part of me still loved him, and I wanted to strangle that part so there was nothing but hatred.

"Cas, I really wanted to make this work. Believe me, I did. But... no matter how hard I tried, I kept... thinking the same thing; this just isn't working out. And it wouldn't have been fair to either of us if I kept up some sort of charade."

I sighed shakily. "Well, because of you, there's a boy who I am sure is still paying therapy bills."

There was a look of confusion on his face. "What?"

"Balthazar? The boy I liked? It became an obsession. And that obsession lead to... horrible, horrible things. Things I did to him."

"Cas... what the hell did you do?"

And I told him everything.