~Assorted BxB Oneshots~

The Art of Loss

KIRIBAKU ANGST

CW // DESCRIPTION OF MCD, IMPLIED SUICIDE, SEVERE ALCOHOLISM, VOMIT

READER DISCRETION STRONGLY ADVISED

REQUESTED BY - N/A
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Katsuki Bakugo

Numb

That's the only word. The only word I could think, could hear, could feel when I got that call. That one phone call that turned the world upside down. It didn't seem possible, couldn't be right, had to be a lie.

Finding out it wasn't might've been just as bad. He was...gone. Eijiro, he'd...he'd died. A-And I didn't know...I'd been fucking annoyed at him for being late from work, while he...while he was bleeding out underneath a truck.

If he'd...if he'd known it was coming, he could've Hardened and been totally safe, but...the guy didn't have his lights on. It was late at night, the week before fucking Christmas, and Eijiro hadn't seen a thing.

...he survived the initial impact, but was stuck underneath the truck for seventeen minutes until he...passed. That was the extent of what the police had told me over the phone, and in the end, all I ever learned about it. I don't remember the hours after that, just remember the knock on the door, and crying into my father's arms. I must've called him at some point, and he just held me wordlessly as I wept my entire world out of my eyes.

That was three weeks before the funeral, a day of many firsts for me. First time I'd ever seen Kaminari in anything resembling a suit. First time I'd seen most of my classmates from UA in at least 6 years. Deku, Shoto, Creati, Uravity, Tsukoyomi, Froppy, even fucking Grape Juice showed up. And it was also the first time I cried in public. The first time I didn't care what the cameras saw. My reputation meant nothing to me now. I had lost it all, nothing else could faze me that day.

Which leaves me where I am now, pissed off my fucking mind, throwing up into my toilet. This has basically been my state in the three months since he died. Get drunk, drink some more, get so drunk that I forget I'm drunk, drink until I pass out or throw up. My leave from hero work was long out the door, and I'd officially retired. There was no one I could save if I couldn't save Eijiro.

And any night I wasn't drunk, I didn't often sleep. I'd spend my time screaming into my pillow, the unfairness of it all expressed in my wails. I was on practically every watchlist except sex offender, and hadn't left the house in weeks. I'm pretty sure someone still felt some pity for me, somewhere, but the world had moved on. After all, Red Riot wasn't that good of a hero, right?

Those were the worst people. Trolls are laughable until something goes wrong, and then the words start hurting. You don't realise how much venom they actually carry until people start celebrating your boyfriend's death. And that's the sort of thing that wrenches your heart and turns you into the bitter son of a bitch I am now. It's my birthday in a few weeks - who gives a shit, I haven't spoken to a fucker in days! They don't care about me anymore, and it's obvious why.

Eijiro. He's the only reason anyone ever tolerated me. That smile, the kindness he radiated...it mellowed me, and without it, I was just cruel. I'd become so dependent on the drug that he was to me that his death was my relapse, sending me spiralling out of control.

Tonight, I'm...well, I'm gonna drink, all alone, probably piss the bed like usual, order another take out and slowly bloat myself to death. There was no positivity in my life anymore - no structure, no passion, no will to do anything. I didn't have enough left to care "what Eijiro would think", because he's not fucking here! He can't think anymore!

I cried and cried and cried, sickening myself even more than the drink had, eventually passing out, my head melting all over again.

I dreamt of Eijiro, screaming. His legs crushed beneath the wheels, unable to free himself. I heard his wails for so long, so agonisingly long, yet couldn't help. Couldn't reach out and do anything. Helpless, just like he was.

It lasted for seventeen minutes.

I then dreamt of a Christmas that never happened. Dreamt of him opening the little box I'd got him, dreamt of him...nodding, and saying yes.

Dreamt of a future that couldn't happen.

And then I woke up.

And I got in my car.

And I drove to the ocean.

Standing in the cold spring breeze high above the mighty waves cleared my head. I felt as sober as I had in months, and was smiling, a smile I'd forgotten I had.

I gently slid the unofficial engagement ring off my finger, and threw it as far as I could, ridding it from my life.

I took a deep breath, and the world felt lighter. I felt bettter. I felt like I knew what I had to do.

So I followed it into the ocean
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😭

This is shorter than I wanted but oh well, I still think it does what I wanted it to