~Assorted BxB Oneshots~

Who I Am

SHINKAMI ANGST/SLIGHT FLUFF

CW // TRANS DENKI AU

I just want to say that, from the perspective of someone who has never been through gender dysphoria of any kind, I want to apologise if this comes off in some way offensive to anyone who reads it. Please understand that this is my base interpretation of what kind of thoughts people might have in this situation, and that none of it is written with intent to offend anyone if it is inaccurate, hence the reason this is quite short. This is simply my take.

Thank you. 😊

REQUESTED BY - Iliketoeatsocks
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Denki Kaminari

The way the mind works is astonishing sometimes. How it perceives everything in the world to be something recognisable, and makes us run away from things that aren't. That's why one of the scariest things in the world is a big object in a small space. Because while we know what it is, our brains panic, trying to rationalise the fact that it's somewhere it shouldn't be.

My brain is somewhere it shouldn't be. Well, actually... no, that's the wrong way to put it. My brain is still in my head, atop my shoulders. Rather...my brain doesn't cooperate well with the rest of me? I'm not paralysed, and I have perfectly capable motor functions...but it's more of a...physical displeasure.

You see...it's hard to explain to someone who isn't going through the same thing. I'm not...me. I'm not who I want to be, or rather, who I know I should be. Most people know me as Deiji...but that's not who I am. Not who I want to be. Not what Hitoshi calls me. He had understood every step of the way. He got me for who I am. Who I want to be. He'd always told me it didn't matter what I looked like, that I was still me. He didn't care about what was on my chest, or the types of clothes I liked to wear. He didn't care about the things that "made me a girl."

I remember the day I told him about how I felt. We'd been hanging out in his room, just as we usually did, and it sort of poured out of me. We'd been watching a cheesy romance movie, and seeing the scene where the girl started taking off her clothes seductively just sort of...broke me, I guess. It represented the role I didn't want to play, the role handed to me that I never fit. Hitoshi had noticed that I'd started quietly crying, and had immediately sprung into caring boyfriend mode.

"Deiji?! Dei, what's wrong baby?"

"..."

"Dei...?"

"...don't call me that..."

"What? Talk to me, baby, what's wrong?"

"I-I don't know...but don't call me Deiji...I don't like it"

"Why not baby? What's wrong with it?"

"It's...it's not me...I don't know why, but...that's not me..."

"Why isn't it you?"

"I just don't...I don't feel like I want to be Deiji...does that make sense?"

"D-do you think...you might be...y'know...transgender?"

To be honest, before he said it aloud, I hadn't even considered it. I'd always just thought I was a tomboy, boyish in my attitude and personality. But, after he'd said it, it all seemed to make sense. It made sense that I felt as if I was in the wrong body. It made sense that I felt as though my mind didn't belong where it was. It made sense, all those times I'd looked in the mirror and hated what looked back.