Stay Strong, Never Surrender

The Panic attack

I was woken up by a knock on the door.

"Honey get up! You have half an hour to come downstairs and get some breakfast."

Sleepily I check the time on my phone, 7:39. Shoot I overslept. Typical. I rush downstairs through the elevator still in my nighties, I take some muesli and fruit and start munching it, more aggressively with every sneer that went past. Why on earth did the breakfast buffet in this hotel have to be in public? ugh!

I am definitely not a morning person.

After eating, and still not seeing any sign of any of my family, I sprint back upstairs into my room. I checked the time, 8:30. I hade about 2hours to get ready, so I ran a bath with my favourite vanilla oils and soaked in it. Once I come out in only a night robe, I see that on my bed laid a gorgeous dress, it was very long and swept the floor when I walked, it had different shades of purple starting dark at the top and really light at the bottom. I quickly slipped it on and felt the cold silk inside, so much so that I started shivering. I braided a halo in my hair, deciding to leave my hair in its natural waves that past my shoulders. I slipped on some cute purple sandles, going for comfortable rather than pretty. I smacked on some make up, but left it very natural cause I wasn't really the makeup type girl. Finally I stared at the reflection in the mirror till I was satisfied.

I checked the time, 10:06. I took a deep breath and left my room to find mum, Rosie, poppy and Jasper all waiting outside in the corridor. Jasper is wearing a suit, with his hair in his usual messy gelled look. He practically looked edible.

"How long were your waiting here for!" I said, startled.

"We were about to call you. Oh baby, you look absolutely amazing. Aww! C'mon we need to take a snap." She says already searching through her bag for her phone, tipping out half of the contents.

"Maybe we should take it outside mum, and not in the middle of the corridor." Poppy suggests.

"Ah, yes! That might make a little more sense. Let's go then."

So we all go outside, I search for Jaspers hand and we walked together. Suddenly I feel very anxious, like realisation had drawn onto me. My dad was getting married, this meant that he probably would not be coming back with us. When he left I always had a feeling that he would come back. I hid it well for Poppy and Rosie, so that they would never have their hopes high, but I always felt that maybe if I wished hard enough... It could happen. We reach the chapel. It's so ancient and must hold so much history, it was breathtaking. My heart starts beating fast, I'm suddenly finding it really hard to breath. I collapse on a bench near by. My vision goes blurry, I can hear distant voices.

"What's happening, Emilia? Are you ok? Ms Stimpson!"

"Mummy, Emilia's having a panic attack"

"Baby, your gonna be ok. Can you hear me? Honey speak to me." This voice was much more stronger.

Somebody wipes my face gently and I realise that I've been crying. His touch makes my body awaken, and I can finally respond.

"Sorry. I was just a bit taken back. I need to breath a little." I say quietly, I let go of Jaspers hand and start taking deep breaths. I used to always get panic attacks and anxiety. I hadn't had it for at least a year now.

"Honey, we can stay here with you if you want." My mum says, her eyes full of concern.

"No, mum. You should go to the wedding, I'll just stay out here for a bit." I didn't want her to miss it because of me.

"Are you sure?"

I nod.

"Ok then. I'm just a phone call away. Come inside when your ready." She gives me a warm smile, I try to give a watery smile back. She goes with poppy and Rosie inside the church. But Jasper stays, just a step behind me.

I look around me, I'm in a beautiful park with all sorts of flowers, behind the church. Dad used to always take me to the park near our house. I remember when he taught me to ride a bike, he'd push me for hours, until I looked back and found out that he wasn't pushing me anymore but I was riding myself. Unfortunately I forgot where the breaks were and kept riding like my life depended on it, dad had to catch me to stop the bike from crashing into a tree.

Dad was my hero.

Another tear raced to the ground. I suddenly feel a warm coat over my bare shoulders and I smell the familiar fragrance of Lynx. I let my head fall on his strong shoulders. We both sat in silence on the bench. He was the first one to talk.

"Are you ok now?" His voice so low that nearly

"I'm better."

"Do you mind if I ask you when it started?"

"Just when my dad left. I used to always have them. I felt like part of me was missing. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want my mum to worry more about me. I started getting uncomfortable in crowded rooms and suffocated. But sometimes my thoughts trigger it, I can sometimes overthink things. Soon it got to a state where I would just lock myself in my room and cry. My mum finally noticed. Those were my dark days, I don't like talking about them. To anyone. Because I'm ashamed of it."I start fiddling with a loose thread on my bracelet.

"Hey, you don't need to be ashamed. You've been through a lot, I totally understand. Did your thoughts trigger it today?"

"Yeah."

"Whatever it was, just remember that I'm always here. A shoulder to cry on or a personal diary. Whatever you want. Just remember I'm here for you. But please tell me, anything, whenever. I hate seeing you upset Em. " he reaches to put a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

I couldn't believe I told him, I guess I needed him like a fish needs water. He calmed me, I felt at home when I was with him.

"I'm ready to go in." I say, standing up and straightening my dress. I give him his coat back and link my arm into his. Before we enter I stop and look at him.

"I just wanted to say thanks." I kissed him quickly on his cheek. He grinned lopsidedly.

"Anytime sweetness"

I took a deep breath and went inside.