THEN I FOUND YOU [mcd]

chapter five

"He told me it was complicated," I say, doing my best to help fold a sheet. Embarrassment and anger runs through my veins. "I regret even asking him."

Kandi takes the sheet from my hands, placing it beside us on the nearby table. I couldn't possibly talk to children about this. They wouldn't understand, and it is most certainly not their business. I couldn't speak to Garroth because this is about him. Dante has heard enough of my problems.

I trust Kandi. I always have. She's had a complicated love life as well, so perhaps she could be of assistance. She had a strange relationship with my brother. It was like they were a couple, but they weren't at the same time.

I was happy for Laurance. He had finally gotten over Aphmau, and I thought that he would finally be happy if he got with Kandi. They'd flirt with each other and spend a great amount of time with each other. It was strange to me to know that they never ended up together.

"Complicated? It's always been complicated between them," Kandi says, placing a clean sheet onto my bed. "Though, brother or not, responding with 'complicated' is annoying and defending him isn't any better."

"It's whatever at this point. I've accepted that I'm dying alone. But. . . I asked, begged him per se, but he responds in what feels like tricky riddles. I've always hated that with your brothers," I groan, placing the sheet to the side and grabbing onto a pillow case. I hate folding. "I wrapped his words around my head, thinking that he's saying he's falling out of love with Aphmau, but there's still a piece that wants to pursue her. I don't even know if that's correct."

She places her hand on my shoulder. We lock eyes for minutes on end. There's a mutual understanding and a silent conversation being told through our gaze. I've worked myself up beyond demand, and this is a way of telling me to take a step back and to breathe.

I wish boys weren't so complicated. I'm in my twenties, but yet I feel like a teenager again. I feel like I'm twenty one again when I crushed hardly on Vylad.

I don't know which one is harder. Loving Garroth right now, or loving Vylad in the past.

She begins breathing exercises with me. I lift an eyebrow at her, but she insists that they work and to try them out. After two breaths, I break into laughter at how silly I feel. This feels like something Vylad would do.

It's weird knowing I'm twenty two, but it's been fifteen years. I missed my own father's death. I didn't even get to see Cadenza off. Laurance. . . Laurance left. Was it all too much for him?

"You're right. I can't let this get to me," I say, defeated. I sit on my bed and put my head into my hands. Kandi sits down beside me and rubs my back. "I feel horribly selfish. It's crude of me to say that Garroth needs to learn how to get over Aphmau. I never could with Vylad for the longest time. I know this is my anger and jealousy taking over. I've felt this way for so long. She chose Aaron. I never understood why he kept pursuing her. I always thought that Laurance was acting foolish for trying to win her heart when he came into the picture. And now that Aphmau is pregnant. . . Oh, Kandi, I feel dreadful."

We sit there in silence for minutes more. It seems like neither of us know what to say. What more is there to say? I have been horrid. I've only thought of myself for so long. I've run and hid from the world when life got hard. Then when things didn't go my way, I act this way.

"You know, I was torn when I learned that Vylad was finding Garte," Kandi says. I lift my head from my hands, changing how I sit, so I can face her. She continues, "He was the father figure in my life. He loved me for a little while, and that was nice. I miss those memories. But I was angry because of how Garte ended up treating us. Useless pawns that can be thrown about in his game of chess. Part of me didn't understand why he wanted to search for a man who did that. I wouldn't have."

"That wasn't your fault," I interject, my voice a hushed tone.

She shakes off my words with a shrug of her shoulders. "I didn't, but that didn't mean I wasn't any less disappointed in myself for being angry at my brother. You see, you and I are alike in that aspect. We're upset with ourselves for being human."