Jazz Bar | Suayeon

017

Insomnia's Perspective | The Differences

How warm it was, the feeling that she felt against the idol's lips. It was inviting yet it was scary. It wasn't like the kisses that she did with Seonghwa. It was more. It was gentle. It was wonderful.

It was terrifying.

So terrifying that she had to stop it. And so she did. Laying a hand on Siyeon's chest, pushing her away as gentle as possible.

" S-stop. " She uttered softly. They were so close yet at this very moment, she felt so far with Siyeon.

" I'm so s-sorry. I-I thought..." Siyeon stuttered standing from the couch. Placing her hand on her hair moving it upwards, as a sign of embarrassment.

" I-I'm sorry, It's not your fault but this i-is weird, Siyeon. " Sua stood up as well, about to place a hand on Siyeon's shoulder; but seeing this, Siyeon stepped back.

" H-how can it be weird? It f-felt so right to me. Was I the only one who could feel what we have? " Siyeon whispered as she stared at Sua's eyes, looking for any kind of positive emotion. It was as if a dam had been broken. The illusion that was instilled this past month had disappeared.

" Because! not a minute ago, my ex-boyfriend was shouting outside my door, begging for me to take him back. And not a minute ago, I was crying my story to you, expecting you to listen not to kiss me!" Sua exclaimed with heated cheeks as she waved her hands upward.

" Did you not want it? " Siyeon asked with a pout and furrowed eyebrows, glancing at her feet.

" I would have, under different circumstances. But, Siyeon, it wasn't the right time. Gosh, we've known each for like, what? One month? A two? I know close to nothing about you, and you know close to nothing about me. This, us, take time. Believe me, I know. No matter how much, it feels right. No matter how much, we want this. Whatever you feel and whatever you want, it takes time to build it. It takes time to have it. " Sua smiled softly placing her hand on Siyeon's cheek, wanting the other to understand what she means.

Siyeon's eyebrows furrowed even more as her mouth curls downward, not understanding.

" But! I feel I love you! I love you! And I know that you have  some feelings for me too, This feels right. This. Us. I kissed you today because it felt right to me. Because no matter what the situation is, you always look beautiful, exquisite. And you were, beneath all the tears in your eyes. Every time we were practicing, I felt so much with you. When our eyes would meet, and your sweet, sweet eyes would lay upon me; It felt like I was drowning in them. Yes, we're a bit awkward with one another, especially in greetings but, maybe you'll feel it too, if you come to me now. " Siyeon exclaimed, stepping away from Sua, as she tried to convince the other to understand how much she feels for her.

"....You don't understand. You'll never understand. We look at this, too differently. Siyeon, sweetie, you have saved me, your music saved, your words, your very presence, itself. Our short time together, was so wonderful and I feel as if I've met a kindred spirit. Someone I know, will understand me in every way possible. Yes, I feel some feeling for you. I don't know if it's love. I don't know it like you do. And, yes, I might feel it too if come to you but I'm not taking that risk. I don't want to lose this, I don't want to get hurt if we did take that chance and it didn't work out. Because, I care about myself too and I've just gotten myself back. That's why, I'm asking for time. I'm asking for you to understand that this, us, I want to build this into something stronger that what I have experienced with Seonghwa. " Sua's swelled with tears, furrowed eyebrows, and shaking lips. The need for the woman in front of her to understand.

Besides the major problem that was between them which was their difference of opinion on love. Sua knew there were more underlying problems if they took the risk, which was the country itself. Sua had no such problems with same-sex relationships. She was bisexual, after all. But, Siyeon was an idol that was respected by the country. The society looked up to her. One wrong mistake and she'll lose everything that she had worked for.

And for someone that was saved by Siyeon's music, she wouldn't take that risk.

Maybe, Someday.

" B-but, But...I want you. " Siyeon spoke softly, leaning her forehead in Sua's shoulder as she placed her hands on the dancer's waist.

" I don't understand yet at the same I do. It might be because of how I see love. How different I see and feel it.  How much I feel for you in such a short time, and I thought, I-I really thought you felt it for me too.  It makes me question, do I know you? "

The words lingered in the air as the two women stared at each other. The once comfortable silence that they held for one another, gone.

Gulping down the tears, Siyeon slowly stepped back from Sua. She wiped away the small droplets that threatened to fall against her cheeks, aggressively. She turned her back against the other woman, headed towards her things.

Seeing this, Sua felt the panic in her rise immediately grabbing the wrist of Siyeon; she was about to ask where was the Idol going or why was she leaving, yet the words couldn't come out.

" ...A-are you leaving? " was the only thing she managed to say, softly with a hint of fear in her voice.

" Yes, I don't know what I would do if I stay here for even a second more and besides, didn't you say you need time? "  Siyeon smiled with tears in her eyes, her words were like a knife to her throat yet it was also a weapon that she didn't knew lodged itself to Sua's heart, hurting her even more within this day.

" W-we haven't eaten together yet. P-please, can't we just forget about everything that happened and just, just, eat together. You haven't had breakfast yet and I really don't want to be alone right now. " Sua pleaded, holding Siyeon's wrist tighter as tears were falling through her cheeks; her words heavy to hear as it felt lodged through her throat.

She looked pitiful. She looked broken. She looked smaller than ever.

It was the image she had, the day Seonghwa left her.

It was the very person she was, the second Siyeon left her.

" I'm sorry. I can't. " Siyeon whispered softly, pulling her arm away from Sua's grasp.

°~°

It was a day, after the events that had transpired at Sua's home. Here she was, at her studio, finishing up her dance class.

" Okay, everyone. T-that is all for today, you all did amazing and I really hope this energy stays until next month which I will be holding evaluations for, Thank you and that's all for today. You can pack up and head home! " Sua smiled with her lips slightly shaking, not fully well yet from what had happened yesterday.

She claps her hands loudly, saying bye to everyone as she gathers her stuff at the nearby small table she had at the corner when a small cough was heard behind her.

Immediately turning around in surprise, she felt her heart stop when she sees San, her student, smiling shyly at her.

" Hi, Miss Sua. M-my friends and I are going to a restaurant nearby to eat and I was thinking, would you maybe want to come with us? It's my treat, as a t-thanks for everything you have taught me. Please. "

She pondered.

She thought.

She remembered.

She whispered,

" Yes. "

°~°