Shut Up & Listen

Where Did The Night Go

August 9
4 am
Cole

I took the paper from my pocket— the piece of paper that had been slid underneath the door of the loft. It was written in pen on the apartment's stationary from the front desk. The paper said,

: we made a pact that we'd both be out of the game by the time we turned 25. he didn't keep his promise. I did him a favor, he was never gone get out. After his brother died, I don't think it was in his plans anymore. I think he thought this was it for him. I was under the same spell until I met you. You're my way out, Cole. My pops always called you a godsend after you saved me the first time, but he will never know all of the times you've saved me after that. He will never know how much of a godsend you actually are, my guardian angel.

Thank you for breaking me out, helping me to see the truth. Mine and Mo's lives were ruined the moment we were born into the families we were. People like us don't have families like yours where people believe in you. Nobody ever pushed me to be better or do better, my family depends on my inability to be a good person. but you proved to me that anything is possible and that I have a choice. I am not a bad person, I am capable of giving love. I love you Colin. I will always love you. You understand me like nobody else does, you made me complete. I owe my life to you.

I have to go, but I want you to know I will always be looking after you. Don't be sad. Don't cry for me. Just be the best version of you, ok. Don't forget that you're a star. You're my star. And one day, they'll name a constellation after us. The story won't be anything like the one you told me the night we met. It will inspire love, Cole. Real love.

And one more thing. Please don't let this change the way you see me. I did a lot of things I regret but I'm going to make them right tonight. I have to make shit right again. Nobody deserves the type of hurt I brought into this world so I have to settle the score. I have to make amends. I'm glad we met when we did. That was meant to be. On everything, Cole, you were my reason to believe I could do good.

Live long my lil chocolate nigga.

Peacefully.
-L.J.

I was sitting on the concrete in front of the safety rail at the river walk when I read it. I read it ten times. Maybe eleven. When did he write this and why did he leave this instead of calling me or texting me?

I read it again before neatly folding it back and returning it to my pocket. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my arms and chin on them, looking out onto the water. The way the waves crashed onto the wall when boats went on always soothes me, just the sound of the crash into the concrete. But right now, everything reminds me of what I'm losing.

How can I be soothed by the same sound he soothed me under— let me be me under; gave me him under. No one else even knows what I'm losing or why. Nobody knows the kind of bond we had. It just makes it harder to mourn a soul that wasn't supposed to meet mine- a forbidden thing that I held on to too tight knowing it wasn't mine to keep.

"Why the fuck would he tell me I'm his way out just to fucking leave!?" I angrily asked the lake. This lake has seen me before, many times. It's always there for me when I need to yell out they why's and wonders when I know no one else will have them.

Those tears that streamed down my cheeks as I yelled met the corners of my mouth, reminding me of him also. I won't ever not feel him.

And just as I did the two or three nights since, I picked myself up from this concrete and sat in my car until I fell asleep only waking up when the sun did. My phone died days ago. I haven't bothered to charge it. I haven't even picked it up since I last looked at it to call Cobe at the hospital that day.