Shut Up & Listen

Keep It Together

The closer we get to the church the more unsettled my stomach becomes. I'm a nervous reck and I can't help but feel on edge. I need to calm my nerves so I take a few pills out of my pants pocket and as my hand nears my mouth I feel a hole burning into my neck. I drop the pills in my mouth and swallow them.

I look over and sure enough Cobe is staring daggers into me. I wish the light would turn green so he can leave me alone.

"What?"

He stays quiet, but his face says it all. The light turns green and his gaze finally leaves my face.

"I got a headache. What I can't take aspirin now?" I know he's not gonna buy it, but I had to try right?
Nah, that was dumb. That was fucking stupid, now I look stupid. I let out a sigh and look out the window.

"If you wanna kill yourself, go ahead, just know that I think you're stupid as fuck."

I suck my teeth at his comment because I call bullshit. "Fuck you Cobe. Your stupid ass ain't doing shit to save your life either."

He laughs. Like a really fucking obnoxious laugh. I roll my eyes because I know what I said wasn't funny.

"The fuck is you talking about?"

"You the one who likes hood ass niggas with guns and shit. How about you tell somebody when ya life is fucking threatened. THEN maybe I'll care what the fuck you have to say."

"You don't know what you talking about so drop it. And two, if I'm not mistaken, that shit you poppin' is the same shit Mr.C was using. So the only dumb ass in this truck is you nigga."

"ThE oNLy dUmBaSs In tHiS tRuCk iS yOu NIgGa"

"Man fuck you Cole. Grow the fuck up."

I know what he's saying is true. But I'm not in the mood to care. The meds are kicking in and I feel great.

Almost 2 hours later...

I didn't see Dame,Lil J or Cecil at the funeral.  Evan and Shahid were there but they hadn't heard from them either. At the end of the funeral I finally see Dame ,Cecil and Lil J talking in the back of the sanctuary. I made it to Dame first.

"Yo where the fuck you been?!" He rolling his eyes like I'm overreacting or some shit.

"Yo chill aight?"

"What the FUCK Dame?" Then Lil J turned around.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" His eye is purple and his lip is busted. Half of his face is swollen. I don't know what the hell they been doing but I swear I'll fuck a country ass nigga up if I have to.

"Yo Cole chill the fuck out. Just let me talk to you aight?"

"What the fuck?!"

"He's fine."

"I'm aight. Cole I'm good. Nothing happened aight?"

I wasn't hearing nothing they were saying to me. All I was seeing was red. I was ready to fight. I was ready to kill a nigga. It's too much fucking pressure to stay calm in this church so I head out. I start walking, but I have no clue where I'm going. Now I wish that I did have an aspirin because I feel a migraine coming.

Once I finally stop walking to take in my surroundings, I notice a car parked on the corner. In it was a dark skinned man smoking a cigarette with the window down. He looked over at me. I stared back acknowledging his presence. Then he waves at me.

Ion know this man from Adam, so instead of waving back I just stare. I'm not nervous, surprisingly. I figured I should go back to the church though so I turn around and start walking until I hear my name called.

"Colin! Aye Cole"

I turn around to see who's calling me and it's the man in the car. He opens his door and gets out leaning up against the car. He waves for me to come over. I figure I'm not too far from the church, if something happens, somebody will come looking for me. Right?

"Aye Cole you don't remember me huh?"

"Nah, can't say that I do."

"We went to school together. Middle school. I'm Xavier."

"Damn X?"

"Yeah baby, in the flesh." He was smiling pretty big. I remember this nigga from school. He used to get beat up on by the bigger kids. He was small as fuck. He started hanging with me and Dame cuz nobody really bothered us.

"Nigga you glowed the fuck up. You look good as hell. What you doing down here in Georgia? You live out here?"

"Shit, me? You! Nigga you was ugly as hell as a kid."

"Ha the fuck you mean, I'm still ugly as hell"

"Nah. But I go to FVSU. It's my senior year. After that I'm heading back to Detroit for a while. You still there?"

"Ah yeah? My baby brother go there. He a sophomore."

"Who Dame? I thought he was older than you?"

"Nah, his name Jamel. He small, brown skin?"

"Oh Jamel yo brother? Yal don't look nothing alike"

"Yeah I know"

"So Whatchu doin' down here in the dirty south man?"

"I got a few family down here man. Just checkin in on 'em and whatnot. You know?"

"Yeah that's cool b. Whatchu into now tho? You looked lost. This ain't a good area to be lost in." His words making me feel like he saving me from some shit or something. I'm glad he remembered my face too 'cuz later on I heard that a nigga was murdered on that same street just an hour after our encounter.

"Nah, I was just getting some air. I'm heading back to where I was right now though."

"Aight man. You take care a yo self. Who knows, we might run into eachother again."

I just nod and start the walk back. Thinking about all the Shìt that has gone down the last couple weeks I'm grateful that it hasn't been worse.

I been listening to this nigga on YouTube talking about Black Power and shit. After my pops left, I started following this nigga and he be talking real shit. I been tryna change the way I think about myself but that shit really hard to change. Especially since there's no tangible evidence that I'm really any better than what I think.

Everybody that knows me knows I'm a fuck up. They think crazy as hell. They think I'm a dumbass, a hothead and a waste of space. But imma prove 'em all wrong one day. One day soon hopefully. I just gotta get my mind right.

Once I make it back to the church, everyone has already cleared out. Cobe is sitting in his truck waiting for me.

"Aye where you was at?"

"I needed some air. I ran into an old friend."

"Ah yeah? Who was it? Somebody I know?"

"Ion know, you might remember him. He went to middle school with us. Xavier Holly. But that was before me and you was friends tho."

"Xavier.., Xavier... ohhhh Scrawny dude with the big ass lips?"

"Yeah nigga that's him. But you wouldn't believe what the nigga looks like now. He big as shit, like nigga swole as fuck. Look like he can throw a cotton ball on the roof."

"Gah Damn"

"Aye, you talk to Dame an'em?"

"Yeah, you gotta hear this bullshit story them niggas came up with."

"I'd luh to hear that shit."

"You good tho? You was heated as hell." He says licking his lips at me. This nigga gay as hell. I don't even know how I didn't peep that shit a long time ago.