Shut Up & Listen

LET IT ALL OUT THEN

C E C I L  'c3' Adebanjo III

7
Portrayed by a young Diggy Simmons
•••

Cecil jr.
1:32am

I just hung up on Cole as we pulled into the parking lot of the apartment building. As soon as I turned the car off, my son started asking tons of questions.

"Dad, who is Cole?"

"Cole is your uncle, my brother."

"Oh. Is this his house?" He's gazing out the window in excitement. I had to promise him a Nintendo switch to get him to leave the loft to come to walmart with me earlier.

"Yeah. My dad used to live here before he died. I grew up here too."

"Well I like this house. It's soooo cool."

"Yeah..." I responded, watching his excitement. This is the first time I've seen him in a while, it's hard to believe that I've been gone long enough for him to have grown this much. He's taller and slimmer than he was the last time I saw him... he's more articulate too. I like that about him. When I was his age, I wasn't confident and curious like this, so he must get it from his mother.

He shifted in his seat, turning his attention from the luxurious apartment building to his new Nintendo switch. He started playing but I wasn't in a rush to go back into the loft, so I didn't bother him. I grabbed my phone, checking my emails. Besides the Super Mario Oddessy theme song, the two of us have been sitting in silence for the past two minutes, so when he revisited the comment I made a few minutes ago, it lowkey caught me off guard.

"When did your dad die?" He asked, not taking his eyes away from his game. I watched his face as we began this conversation. I cleared my throat.

"He died about three months ago. In December." I stated and I watched his expressions change. He looked confused... or shocked.

"Did he have a funeral?" He asked.

"Yeah C."

"So my granddaddy just died three months ago?" By this time, he'd lost the game trying to look at me and the screen at the same time. He looked at me and squinted his eyes waiting for a response. I've never really interacted with kids, so I was baffled at the fact that a child could make me feel pressure. I took a deep breath unwilling to let him see that I was uncomfortable with the conversation.

"Yeah. Why the sudden interest man?"

"Well, momma said you hiding me. Is that true?"

My eyebrows surely reached my hairline.  "You believe that?" I asked, purely shook at his audacity to outright ask me something so bold... at seven years old.

"Well... I ain't ever met your family, only momma's family. Is it because you don't like me?" His eyes haven't left mine since the conversation started. I know he was raised to look a man in the eye when he's speaking but Shìt.

"Hey... hey why do you think I don't like you? Of course I like you. I love you C."

"Just because..." he finally looks away, but suddenly I wish he'd look at me again. I know the exact emotions he's feeling right now. It's the same way my pops made me feel. Damn.

"C'mon tell me what's on your mind baby boy." His face brightened to a redder shade letting me know that he truly believes what he said. He was hesitant to speak, a full one eighty from a few seconds ago. I    put my hand on the nape of his curly haired head hoping to relax him, but he shifted, nervously.

"You just don't come to our house anymore or to my school. Jabari's dad is always at school and at field trips and he takes us to the water park and to the arca-"

"Is Jabari your friend?"

"Yes. He's my best friend. And his dad likes him."

"I'm sorry Baby. I know I haven't been a good father but I swear I'll do better okay." I looked away because I didn't want him to see what my eyes look like when they're filled with guilt.

"Okay."

"Do you believe me?"

He shakes his head no while looking down at his hands in his lap. It breaks my heart, but it's no ones fault but mine. I'm selfish, I always run away when shit gets tough. I had no business making a baby with his moms. I always thought that if I ever had kids that I'd show my father what a good father looks like. I didn't want to be the type of father he was. But I turned out to be just like him, maybe even worse.

"Why momma and me couldn't go to your dad's funeral?"

"Well, I didn't even go little man. It's complicated."

"Why didn't you go?"

"I don't think he would've wanted me there."

"Your dad didn't like you either?"

"C'mon man, stop that shit right now... no father can dislike their own kids aight. Sometimes though, things happen that makes two people grow apart."

"Like you and momma?"

"Sure."

"What about your momma? Is your momma dead too? Is that why I never met her either?"

"Baby boy... there's a lot you won't understand just yet. But when you're a little bit older I'll tell you everything."

"I'm not a baby, I understand a lot of stuff dad."

"You a real smart one huh?"

"Yes I am. So... I wanna know about my granny. Is she still alive?"

"No, she passed away a little while ago."

"Before I was born?"

"Um.... no. You were actually about four years old when she died."

His mouth fell open and his eyes grew wide. If he didn't know any better he'd cuss my ass out right now.

"Daaaad what the! I think my momma is right."

"About what?"

"You don't want anyone to know about me. I don't know my uncle, I was four years old when my granny died and I never even met her plus my grandaddy just died last year and I couldn't meet him either?! I... I... what the hell dad?"

"Aye watch your mouth Cecil, and I... I just didn't know how to tell them. I didn't want them to be disappointed in me."

"Disappointed? Because I was born?!"

"I told you there's things you won't understand. And it's not because I don't love you Cecil. You're my heart okay. I just don't know how to be a father."

Damn, I sound just like him. What a fucking legacy.