Shut Up & Listen

Collective: Part Two

Friday, February 14
Valentines Day

Cole POV

As I'm walking out of the elevator, my mind runs back to my conversation with Cobe just minutes ago. Of all the years we've been friends, he's never been so transparent with me. He's completely vulnerable. I'm grateful that he finally trusts me, but there's something nagging at me. I can't place my finger on it though.

Just then, I get a text from my manager reminding me of the sound check. Instantly my nerves stand on end. I haven't had a show in almost six months and tonight I have to fill ten minutes. It may not seem like a lot, but it's been so long I'm not sure if anyone even remembers me.

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The performance: These Arms

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After the performance

Cobe and I are sitting on the couch in my dressing room drinking and talking and watching the rest of the show on the monitor hanging on the wall before us. My performance went well and I'm grateful to have shared tonight with Cobe but my mind couldn't help but drift to who I really wanted to spend tonight with. Who I was really singing to tonight. Who I really wanted to wrap my arms around and share this bottle with tonight. My love...

My mind wandered... my mind wandered to who may have taken her out tonight, who kept her warm tonight, who made her feel as special as she makes me feel when we're together.

My emotions begin to bubble inside, anger... at myself for fucking shit up when she wanted me back... fear... that I may never have another chance with her again.... anxiety... that some other man is gonna give her the life of her dreams, the life I should have been able to give her.

As I unconsciously reached into my pocket for something to calm my mind, I realized that it had been at least three days since I last swallowed one of those little pills I've survived on for the past year or so. What's changed? What in my life is so different that I've completely forgotten about what makes me most happy.

As I get lost in my thoughts I feel a weight fall lightly on my left shoulder and I look over to see that Cobe has fallen asleep on me. Then it clicks.

The past week or so Cobe has been by my side almost non stop. We eat together, we smoke together, we laugh together, we cry together, we....

Shit, this is all I've ever wanted and I hadn't even realized that I have it. It just feels so organic.

I've had it before, but it always fades and I'm all alone again. I've had it with Dame, but he left. I've had it with Jill, I fucked that up. I've had it with my pops too... but, then he passed... what I've always wanted was a best friend, a constant presence. Someone who makes my troubles feel a little less troublesome.

Jill and I met up for coffee a few days ago. She wanted to talk about our last interaction. That time when I called out for a nigga while I was deep inside of her. This is how it went:

Flashback to February 11
Brunch

Jill: Sooo..I've been thinking about you. How have you been?

Cole: Um.. I.. I'm alright despite everything that's been happening. How 'bout you? How have you been?

Jill: I'm okay. I wanted to ask you about the last time we hooked up

Cole: oh

Jill: Cobe... is that your friend, Cobe or is there a woman whose name sounds like that...

I could have lied... I should have lied... but it's about respect. It's about respect with us, and transparency.

Cole: Cobe.. my friend, Cobe. But it wasn't what you thought.. I was just chilling with him when you called me, he was just on my mind, that's all

Jill: So another man was on your mind while you were having sex with me? Why? Do you have sex with him?

Transparency sometimes turns opaque. Transparency can become cloudy like a dirty window when the truth is being tampered with.

Cole: we're just close... we've been through a lot together.. you know that

Jill: So that's a yes

My facial expression and lack of defense told on me. Had she asked immediately after, this conversation would've been a lot easier. But now that I have been intimate with my homie, I can't even front.

Jill: Do you love him?

I didn't have a response. Not because I do love him, but because I wasn't sure. I've only ever been in love with one other person and with Cobe it doesn't feel the same, but it isn't a platonic friendship either. I honestly was just as confused as Jill was.

That's where the conversation ended. She got up and I watched her walk away from me. we haven't talked since, not even a text.

😩Return to reality

I move my arm to break Cobe out of his sleep and we get ready to leave.

About 15 minutes later, we're back at my apartment building. The show was at the FOX theatre so I wasn't too far from home.

We stepped off the elevator at 12:03ish. With our mouths full of  fries and our hands full of McDonalds bags we walk into my loft startled by a woman sitting on my father's olive green easy chair watching tv.