When you go to the doctors you usually go for checkups or you're just very sick and need some medicine for the cough that you've had for a long time. Not this time, this time was so horrible I relapsed again and this time I went to far. My friend I went so far that my parents couldn't wake me up and tell me that it's going to be okay.
It was Tuesday night and I was just so sad and had so much anxiety that I couldn't handle it anymore. God damn I'm sorry. I took the blade and I slid it so deep that I couldn't stop. I took everything that I had and I threw it to the floor and just cried. I wanted you holding me and rocking me over and over again telling me it's going to be okay.
It's not okay.
I finally got the fact that your not here with me and you are not coming back. No way are you coming back. You're dead. You killed yourself. Why can't I accept that?
I woke up Wednesday morning with bandages on my arm. along with my hands buckled down to the side of my bed. When I was sleeping I could hear your soft voice singing to me. I keep asking God why he didn't take me. Does he know I'm ready? Or am I going to hell?
"Avery you're going to be okay.I love you, and I'm happy now I have friends here, their so wonderful and they keep me safe. Please stay where you are I promise it gets better. I see you struggling but please avery please remember the sun and the moon. Please."
That's all I heard you say when I was asleep. I can't stay here, I hope you understand. I tried for 6 months and 15 years. April 13th is the 7th month of your death and I can't handle it. My friend I miss you and I love you. I hope you know that I tried and I always will but I can't stay here.
"When your best friend tells you all
they had for lunch was a muesli bar,
and they tell you they'll stop
after they've dropped a few more pounds,
don't believe them.
Tell their mother.
It does not matter how angry your best friend gets,
the pain of that will always be more preferable
to the pain of seeing your best friend in four years weighing as much as they do now
half-dead in the hospital.
When your father sneaks into your bed at night
and he tells you this is how fathers show love to their child,
do not believe him.
Tell your english teacher.
They will have read hundreds of stories like this,
There is a one in six chance they would have been in your shoes before,
There is a five in six chance they would know what to say to you,
There is a six in six chance that they will help you.
When your veins whisper to you in the moonlight
And that there are so many nightmares inside you
That could be freed if you just open your wrists,
Do not believe them.
Tell your guidance councillor.
No matter how scared you are
because whispers are liars,
And opening your wrists will only open a passage
for more nightmares to climb in.
And when the therapists say you are better,
and that you don't need to worry about the sadness crawling back in,
Do not believe them.
Always be cautious,
because sadness has a way of sneaking up on you when you're not looking.
Be careful.
Be careful."
I love and miss you, I'll see you soon I promise.
