I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, I don't even know what I'm doing with this letter. I have written this a thousand times and I still can't get the right words out.The desk I'm sitting at is decaying of stench and wooden cracks, my pen is almost out of ink but not fully. I could complain to you about how depressed I am right now but you wouldn't care I could also tell you how I haven't cut in four months but you wouldn't listen. I could also tell you that I'm almost happy but you would just brush that off.
My friend, I've been sick and tired. I don't even know how I've been and I'm with my self everyday, very shitty I know. I'm tired because I go to school everyday not knowing who I'm going to hang out with my life is a living hell. I'm tired because my anxiety is getting worse and I'm all out of my medication. I'm tired because my depression is very good at hiding its' self. I'm tired because I've cried my self to sleep to many times. I'm tired because I don't go to sleep until 3:00 in the morning and wake up at 5:00. I'm tired because my homework dosn't make sense.
I'm sick because I can't keep up with my self. I'm sick because I listen to the same music everyday. I'm sick because I get confused just a little to much. I'm sick because I get annoying, but my friend you know I don't mean to. I'm sick because I eat more then everybody else. I'm sick because I don't look like the other girls. I'm sick because I don't sit up straight. Oh my I'm just sick and tired what can I do?
My depression is stupid. I haven't had my medication since I was nine. My depression is like my friend now instead of my enemy. My depression has taken control but I know how to control it, that is why people think I'm happy but they don't know me. My depression is funny it makes me laugh only because I don't know how I feel. Every damn day I wake up and do the same thing. It gets boring. My depression is stupid because it thinks it can get away with stuff. Sneaky little bastard. My depression is now my best friend.
My Anxiety is funny too, It overwhelms me. I could do the most stupid thing and I start to cry or I go hide in my room. I don't know where that is at this point. My Anxiety is happy because it's watching me fail horribly I can hear it laughing at me when I start to cry. My Anxiety yells at me, telling me to stop and grow up. My friend, I don't want too I'm not ready. The funny thing is I am anxiety.
I haven't cut in four months because I'm still waiting for you to return and kiss my scars, but I know you won't come back. You're just my motivation. I haven't cut in four months because I know that I can make it without you. I haven't cut in four months because I don't have a reason. I haven't cut in four months because I met you. I haven't cut in four months because when he called me fat I flipped him off. I haven't cut in four months because I know I will get somewhere in life. The point is I haven't cut.
Society makes me feel like shit. I don't even know what it is anymore, is it human? Society makes me feel ugly but I know I'm not. Society makes me feel like I have nothing, but I do. Society makes me feel like I have to have thigh gap and be skinny only weighing 90-100 pounds but I don't. Society makes me feel like I have to hang with the cool kids just to fit in, But my friend I don't. Society makes me feel like I have to get straight A's and pass with a 4.00, but I don't. Society makes me feel like I'm the tiny person when I'm not. I am the bigger person.
I'm almost happy again because I found some friends. I'm almost happy because I think they care about me. I'm almost happy because people no longer make fun of my weight. I'm almost happy because I grew that inch and I can touch the chocolate now. I'm almost happy because I don't get bullied. I'm almost happy because in five years I could go to New York. I'm almost happy because I have a better relationship with my dad. I'm almost happy because just the fact I'm almost there makes me happy.
If you brush this off, its okay. I just wanted to let you know how I felt. My friend I know you don't listen and that's okay I wouldn't listen either. My friend I miss you dearly, even if were not friends anymore I still like to talk to you, even if you don't hear me. My friend I can hear the people whispering and asking other people why I start laughing out of no where, but they don't know how many times' I cried wishing you were there. My friend it has been a mess without you, the people are crying because you left. I would say I don't miss you but I would be lying. I could also say I'm not depressed and I'm very happy along with I stopped cutting. You see my friend I'm lying. I have to go now but I miss and Love you.
