What I find funny is that people can go a day with smiling a day with crying but never a day in between. I've been crying a lot, I cut again. I took my needle that's hiding in the crook of my drawer and cut so deep that my band-aids couldn't help. I cut so deep that even if I ran them under water the blood would just keep pouring out like a water fall... never ending. The funny part is I didn't have a reason for relapsing I just kinda did it.
My friend I went to the doctors today and they found some stuff in my blood which could cause diabetes. It sucks being 14 and hearing that I kinda wanna punch people in the face because I got a call hearing that I might be a diabetic. My heart is failing again and it won't come back up to speed, so tell me... what do I do now? I literally wanna cry I feel like nothing is in for me. I feel like the beach with no ocean so tell me... where did I go wrong?
Did I do something wrong when I was growing up? Is there a reason I'm depressed and want to die every second of my life? No. I didn't do anything worng. Yes I did, I did everything wrong. God my friend where are you when I need you? Will you ever come back around?
I lost my grandpa on Friday and I got to admit I'm fucked up. My head hurts like somebody took a rock and threw it straight at my face. My heart feels like somebody grabbed scissors and cut into a million pieces. He was my best friend and you knew what he meant to me. I don't like writing to you because I always cry . I'm crying harder today I've been crying for the past two days. I broke my mirror, I don't even know how I did... I blacked out again. I want to fucking die :)
On Friday my grandfather died, I don't think people understand that he was my best friend... He was the person who kept me going and I can't right now. I miss him to much, I've been crying my self to sleep for the past 3 nights and it sucks because I'm drained. My English teacher is just ugh and doesn't understand that what she says to me makes my confidence go down. I don't have any of that any way. My friend I miss you, your boyfriend misses you. God, what were you thinking? Did you not think I would miss you? You fucking left me and now I sit here every damn night waiting for you.
I fell asleep with my grandpas flannel and it's just so sad. I don't want to throw all my problems on you because I feel like you would just leave again, along with stop visiting me. I just miss you so much and I wish I could see you again... Why don't I live in reality?
Goodbye my friend I love and miss you, I'll see you soon.
