Dealing With It | skz

xxiv: spiral

warnings: profanity, verbal abuse, sex talk, very brief mentions of death, alcoholism, and neglect, mentions of drugs and parties.
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FELIX HAD BEEN going through it.

He had very conflicting feelings, very conflicting thoughts, very conflicting ideas, impulses, and anxieties. He wanted to scream to the top of his lungs, to sob until he was dehydrated, laugh so hard his sides hurt, throw a punch so strong it put a hole in his wall, smile until he could no longer form any other gesture with his mouth.

It honestly felt like the whole damn world was caving in on him, and no one seemed to notice.

"Felix, dear, be back before sunset please," his mother called to him as he shoved his feet into his shoes.

He glanced over his shoulder, back at the woman with the same smile and freckles as him, and nodded before muttering, "okay, Mom. Love you."

"Love you, too. Have a good day," her voice rang in his ears, and he blinked rapidly at the burning in his eyes. It was ironic, her saying that. She was usually the one who ruined it.

"You too." He whispered.

He had never left his own home so fast in his life. He ran to catch the bus, but it was pulling off just as he rounded the corner. He groaned and cursed and kicked rocks, and then quickly reminded himself that catharsis fixed nothing.

He marched down the sidewalk, a deep frown etched onto his face. He wanted to go back into his house and convince his mom to stay home and watch sad movies with him all day. He wanted to skip school and go get ice cream. He wanted to call Chan and ask him to meet him at the nearest bus stop just so he could see his boyfriend's messy hair before he washed and styled it after his gym class.

He wanted to be anywhere that wasn't miserably walking to his horrible school where he didn't learn much of anything because he hated being there so much.

Not to mention Minho was spending a lot of time with his crush, leaving him no time to talk to Felix like they used to. Or the fact that the same Minho was also the son of the man his mother was dating, which made it really hard to even look him in the eye.

How could his mother find another man to love so fast?

If he were to ever break up with Chan, would he move on that fast?

He had began down this spiral several times in the past couples weeks since he'd found out, once because Minho's father blurted it without realizing Felix was there and he almost cussed the poor man out before coming to his senses, the second time his mother sitting him down, telling him the news, and then going on this long rant about how "people fall out of love sometimes," and "when you fall in love with someone, it doesn't always mean they're meant for you," or his favorite, "what happened between me and your father wasn't your fault, honey."

He knew it wasn't his fault, but then again he wished it was. If it was his fault, maybe then he'd feel better because there was someone to blame.

He couldn't blame his mother, even though no matter how hard his father tried, nothing was ever good enough for her.

He couldn't blame his father because, well, if his significant other were to say some of those things his mother had said, Felix wasn't too sure he could definitively say he wouldn't look for alternative relationships.

He couldn't blame his father's mistress because she didn't even know he was married, and when she found out, she was the one who told his mother.

And finally, if he did blame himself, everyone would feel guilty for what had happened, which would make everything a whole lot shittier than it already was.