𝐌𝐞𝐭 𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐈𝐧 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐖𝐨𝐨𝐝𝐬 - 𝐽𝑎𝑑𝑒𝑛 𝐻𝑜𝑠𝑠𝑙𝑒𝑟

chapter 90

February 6th, 2022

JADEN'S P.O.V.

Last five weeks have been really rough on us. It's probably been the hardest month we went through as a family.

But as of right now, Liv and I were in car going to the hospital to see our baby girl.

We were alone though, but in a week or so they said we could bring kids, just so the baby isn't too new to them when we get her home. Because they don't really practice having kids in there too much for some reason.

"Hey baby."
"Hey lovely."
"Okay, I got some great news, because doctor just went through the results from this morning. I'm so glad I can finally tell you guys this, you're finally able to hold the baby."
"Really?" I felt my eyes sting before I looked at Olivia. Her eyes were already full of tears.

"Okay, so how we are going to do this. I'm gonna have you change into a hospital dress, okay?"
"Okay."
"Soon it's time to feed her, so doctor said we can try breast feeding today too. But, I don't want you to be too worried if it just doesn't work. Baby never had opportunity to get fed like that, so she might as well not want to have her meal from breast. But as the time goes she will get used to it and it will get better and better, okay?"
"Yeah."
"Dad, you can change into a hospital dress. But both of you can just take off the top clothes. I'm gonna explain the kangaroo technique once you are changed, alright? I have them ready for you two outside."
"Okay."

I'm gonna finally hold my little daughter in my hands. It will be first time ever me touching a baby.

And I'm not even going to lie, my hands were slightly shaking because I was scared. Especially that she isn't fully developed baby.

I have this awful fear right now that I will drop her on the fucking floor, I can't even explain it.

"Okay, is momma going to be the first one to hold Lilly?"
"Yeah." I said, making Olivia smile as she followed the nurse.

"Okay, you're gonna have these button's opened, and we're gonna have baby only in diaper pressed on your bare body, between breasts. The way that you'll put her head on the side, so her ear is against your chest. It's called kangaroo care, or skin-on-skin. It helps with bonding, you can even lay down if you want to. And you can do as long as you and baby are comfortable. Okay? You're gonna hold the blanket on her back so she keeps warm. Okay?"
"Yeah."
"Also, just to get it clear. You don't have to hold the baby if you're not comfortable with it or you're scared. Bonding with baby can be done in many different ways, okay? So it's totally understandable if you're not ready."
"Yeah."

Nurse let Olivia pick up the baby and made sure that Olivia was holding her right on her chest.

I took a video of them. Olivia loves to have all memories recorded or pictured and then has them on a flash drive or CD.

Tear went down Olivia's face as she smiled, looking down at Lilly.

She talked to the baby, something that I've felt really uncomfortable to do. Not that I felt uncomfortable, but I just don't know what am I supposed to say. Like, I feel stupid about anything I say and I don't even get the answer? But I think I've been getting better at it recently.

Nurse soon left us alone in the room, while Olivia was still holding Lilly.

"Do you want to hold her?"
"No, I'll let you hold her today."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, I just- I don't think I'm ready to hold her."
"Oh, okay."
"I just kinda- it looks so natural for you to hold her and everything and you're so chill about it, I don't think I can. And I've read that babies can feel when you're not comfortable holding them, so they start crying. I don't want to make her cry."
"It's okay. You'll get more comfortable around her soon."

"Was it like this when you had Josh? I mean, he was first baby you held too?"
"I was a little scared, but not too much. I don't know, I just already felt so connected with him, it was very easy for me to deepen our connection. And I've always loved babies, so it just came off natural. And I obviously got better at it with the time."
"Oh."
"But there's many ways for you to bond with her, you know. Without necessarily holding her. Bonding isn't just that, it could be showering or changing the diaper. Or even just singing to her or mimicking her sounds. It's like having a conversation with her."
"I don't know, I just feel weird to talk to her. I don't even know what to talk."
"Did you hear me when I was talking to her? It's literal nonsense. She's like your best friend, so whatever you tell her secret will 100% stay with her the whole life." I chuckled as I looked down at the baby.

She was looking at me intently, making me smile.

"Hi lovely."
"You looking at your daddy, baby? He is a very pretty man, though. Isn't he?" I smiled as I held her little hand, well actually she held my finger. But it kinda helps me get closer to her.

She moved her mouth, looking as if she just smiled at me.

"Why don't you lay down babe? You've been holding her like that for a while, maybe it will be more comfortable."
"I don't know."

I helped Olivia get on the bed and lay down, still holding the baby on her chest.

"You know, even if I tried to hold her like that it would calm her down. Because my heart is beating so fast. It would definitely not help her calm down."
"Don't worry about it babe. I know it's scary for you now, but as time passes you'll get more chill being around her."
"Yeah, I hope so."

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