Rejection || PJM

68. Courage

TW: Mention of suicide, suicidal thoughts.

Read the author's note at the end.

***

I felt so empty.

Empty yet filled with so many negative emotions. Anger, sadness, despair, agony, resentment, and guilt. So many things were running in my mind, the chain never stopped. Thoughts about my late mother, thoughts about him, thoughts about all this shit, and thoughts about my decision.

And last of them was eating me alive from inside.

Did I do right? No. Of course, I didn't. Why I did do that? I didn't have any option. Was it worth it? No. The only thing my decision did was to bring despair to me and him. Just one day before, we were smiling, cuddling, loving each other. We were happy, at least he was, because how could I when I knew what was going to happen the next day.

It's all gone now. There is no us anymore. No more love, no more Jimin, and no more happiness. I feel so worthless right now, it was all my fault but at the same time, did I have any other choice?

It's funny. How our life can turn upside down. How we are happy one moment, and the next moments we don't have tears to cry. We cry while missing the person, and those memories, his smile, his eyes when he smiled so hard, those melodic chuckles, and those nose scrunches. When he walks like a baby chicken, sometimes he even sounds like them. When he kisses you on your cheeks, foreheads, and nose. When he makes sure you know how much he loves you.

A little chuckle escaped from my mouth as memories once again filled my brains, taunting me beautifully while projecting in front of my eyes. I slowly wiped my tears and continued to watch outside. It became like my routine, to think about him, us, my mother, and to cry. Besides this, what am I supposed to do?

I took a deep breath, slowly it was getting hard for me to breathe as if my existence suffocated me. Even though I try to divert my mind from this by indulging myself in activities like painting, reading, sleeping, and simply watching TV but in the end, I'm where I had started. Dad tried his best too, he kept me busy by talking me out to the park, or stroll, sometimes dinners and lunch. We are bonding once again, he smiles when he's with me, we talk like a normal father and daughter and it makes me so happy, the only source of my happiness right now.

Nowadays, he paints a lot. Sometimes with me, sometimes alone. Maybe because he finally has some time for himself or maybe, the burden has been lifted from his shoulder, the burden he was carrying since I was born, or maybe since mom died.

Mother.

I thought my mother loved me the most, even dad said that but I don't think she ever loved me. Knowing that she didn't want me, she didn't love me made me feel so worthless, hurt, and sad. It worsened my situation and my mental state. I closed my eyes and choked on my tears, my heart clenched as I continued to cry. Once again, I felt my breaths getting shorter. I closed my eyes and took some deep breaths, trying to clear my mind but it didn't help much.

I sighed and slowly stood up from my bed. I grabbed my crutches and walked outside of my room. It has been a couple of weeks since my wrist and leg cast has been removed, but I still can't walk properly doctor recommended using crutches for a couple of weeks.

"Yejin," dad called me when he saw me near the door. "Where are you going?" He asked in confusion.

"Outside, just to clear my mind."

"I'll come with you."

"No dad, I want some alone time. Don't worry, I've my phone with me." I showed him my phone, he nodded and with this, I walked outside of my apartment. While waiting for the lift, my eyes fell on Sungo's apartment. During this time I met with Sungo's mom many times, whether it was a visit it simply in the lobby but never once did I see Sungo. After the visit to the hospital, it like he doesn't exist anymore, as if I'm not his friend anymore.