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she was trying to walk away
and hold on at the same time
that's the mind at war
with the heart
- untitled
⇸ |19| an end before the beginning
"You want to what?"
Narcissa swallowed thickly at the look of utter mortification on the face of the boy whom she once planned to spend the rest of her life with. She could see the shock, the anger, the desperation swirling behind his eyes as he stood before her, his hands clenched at his sides.
The Slytherin common room was deserted, the students long gone as sleep claimed them and suddenly Narcissa wished there were more people here. Not to witness what was happening, but because being alone with a boy she had just blindsided left her feeling how entirely vulnerable she truly was in the situation.
His eyes were searching her face, looking for any signs of hesitation, or hint of wistfulness to take back what she had said. However, they both knew, deep down, he would find nothing of the sort.
"Lucius," she began, hesitantly, her lips pursing with nerves, "can you honestly tell me that what we had before, is anything like what we have now?"
A baffled look crossed his face as he processed her words, "Narcissa, I realize you've been distant lately," his voice cracked slightly as he struggled with what to say, "but we can fix this, can't we?"
Narcissa sat beside him, her stomach rolling with guilt as she saw his shoulders slump ever so slightly, he knew what was coming. "I don't think we can," she whispered softly, "I need to find who I am in all this, Lucius. Please understand that. After everything that's happened, I have to figure out what I need, and I can't do that while being with you."
Lucius was silent for a moment as he staggered back to sit on the couch, as if her words caused his legs to go weak and he needed to sit.
"But, why not?" He asked, his eyes boring into hers, pleading, "I love you, for Merlin's sake."
Narcissa felt the pain spreading through her body, tears gathering in her eyes as she slowly shook her head, she had never wanted to break his heart. It had never been her intention, at one point she truly believed she had loved him as well, "We've been pushed together since we were children, I need to figure out what I truly feel, without all the expectations coming from everyone. I'm so sorry, Lucius."
He was quiet for a moment, his body almost shaking with emotion as he took a deep breath, "What of our parents? They're expecting an engagement. Your family..." he trailed off, his voice low, worried.
She knew what he meant, her family's reaction would be gruesome, especially if they were to discover that Narcissa was the one behind the breaking up. They would never forgive her. She wondered, perhaps, if they would disown her just for this. After everything with Andromeda it would be like a slap across the face for them, an ultimate disrespect.
