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what funny little things
pain and fear are
to keep those who could mean too much
at such a distance
⇸ |07| truth and lies
"Have you been sleeping at all lately?"
Narcissa glanced up from her Transfiguration essay, her eyes heavy with sleep deprivation, as she glanced across the table only to be met with the look of a very concerned Aaron Swelyn. The honest answer? No she hadn't been sleeping very well, at all. Most nights she spent in the astronomy tower, usually in the company of Cathal Donovan, except Wednesdays as that's when the tower was actually used by students. It had become a somewhat tradition for the two to meet after hours, whether it was to talk or to merely just sit in companionable silence. Narcissa had come to learn that things were just easier to talk about in the middle of the night, when the world was asleep and all you had were your thoughts. There was an air of being unjudged when she was with Cathal and she would lose a hundred nights sleep to be able to revel in it.
Of course she could never admit this to Aaron, so instead she merely shrugged her shoulders and gave him a tired smile, "N.E.W.T's are stressful, I thought McGonagall was tough last year, but her O.W.L lectures pale in comparison to this."
"Everyone's worried you know, even if they don't mention it." Aaron hesitantly spoke, emotional conversations were never their strong suit, perhaps because of their upbringing, "Ivory, Lucius, even Vivian."
Narcissa nearly snorted at the thought of Vivian Avery being concerned about anything besides who her latest conquest would be. Letting out a sigh, Narcissa laid her quill on the table, listening to the crackle of the common room fire.
Maybe she was just being harsh, but at that moment she couldn't bring herself to care that they worried. That these people whom she had grown up with were sensing a change they didn't like within her. She had been friends with all of them for as long as she could remember, she could remember the first time she, Ivory, and Vivian had set eyes on Hogwarts. The first time they were met with the harsh reality that the rest of the world didn't share their views of blood status and purity, the hateful looks they received as they passed the tables of the Great Hall to join the cheering masses of green and silver ties, welcoming them into their new home.
Narcissa thought that perhaps if she hadn't been a Slytherin her life would be completely different and she was resentful for that thought. She was resentful for the friendships she had forged, for the bonds that tied her to this house.
Yet even as she had those thoughts she knew it was hardly fair. It wasn't a curse to be Slytherin, it wasn't her friend's fault that she was going down a path she could no longer see a bright future with. It was all her own doing, her choices that led her here. Her own fear that kept her in this endless cycle of confusion and self loathing. She even tried to blame Andromeda for leaving, for leaving her with so many questions and doubts, but she couldn't even do that. It was her own fault, her failure to decide what she wanted and who she wished to be.
